Title: Maybe Someday|
Fandom: X-Men (Movie)
Rating: um...i'll say PG-13 because of adult situations
Summary: Rogue struggles with deep emotional problems.
Genre: Rogue Angst....eventually Rogue/Logan Romance
Disclaimer: X-men belongs to Marvel Ent, the characters aren't mine, please don't sue me.
Archive: If you ask, i'll most likely say yes
Author's Notes: By the way, Rogue is 21 in this fanfiction, Logan has been gone for 4 years.
Feedback: It is greatly appreciated, good or bad, as long as you're nice about it :)
Thanks: I'd like to thank anyone who has beta read my work so far (Chris, Crystal, and Meg...thanks!)
Oh god, she wanted to kill herself. That thought must have passed through Rogue's mind over a thousand times a day. But in her heart, she knew that she couldn't do it, at least not until she had a bigger incentive. Afterall, she was a coward, or at least that's how she saw herself. For that reason, she built up protective walls to hide herself from other people. She was too afraid to let anybody in. There was only one person who had been inside her head, but that was before the walls were built, and that person was now gone. Probably never to return, even though he promised.
Not that it would necessarily be a bad thing if he didn't. Sure, she missed him, and she longed to be close to him again like she once was. But if he was to return, all the walls she had so carefully built would be invisible to him. How could she let anyone, even Logan, see inside her now? All that was there was emptiness and pain. She didn't want anybody to share that with her.
Even so, trying to overcome her barren thoughts was a flickering sense of hope. A hope that one day, she would no longer be the emotional and physical outcast she was now. Professer Xavier was trying to help teach her to contain her deathly touch, so that she would be able to use it only when she wanted to. She hadn't made much progress though, and there was no one she could really practice on. Rogue had tried it on some animals, but unfortunately killed them. It pained her to think of that, of the deaths she had caused. She just thanked god that it wasn't any of her fellow X-Men she had decided to try it on.
Rogue's mind wouldn't let her forget the woman she had practically killed. Yes, she had gained Ms. Marvel's powers, but at such a high cost. A cost that was definitely not worth it. She smiled though, her thoughts drifting back towards the man who had survived the wrath of her wretched powers, twice infact. She wished everyone had been so lucky. Then again, Rogue had wished for many things lately. Her features darkened when the constant wish that plagued her thoughts returned. The wish that one day, on one of the missions that she went on with the X-Men, she would die. At least then she would be honored for dying heroically instead of being pitied for being suicidal.
Shaking away her thoughts, Rogue looked up at the moon. She remembered when as a child, she always wanted to touch the moon. "I guess things don't really change," Rogue sighed, realizing that there would always be something untouchable for her. No physical contact was much more painful then no moon, though. Not necessarily sexual contact, she just wanted somebody to hold her, really hold her, and tell her that everything would be alright. "Maybe someday....maybe someday," she whispered.
It was early in the morning and Rogue was walking through a hallway of the school that she now thought of as home. She thought about how she'd spent all of last night feeling sorry for herself, and it made her angry. She hated when people gave her pity and yet, she was guilty of the same crime.
"Great, now I'm a hypocrite," she grumbled.
Suddenly, all the thoughts quickly flooded out of Rogue's head as a strange feeling came over her.
"Oh my God...no it can't be, not now!!!"
Rogue doubled over, not from physical pain, but from millions of insufferable emotions flooding through her. She wasn't even sure that all of them belonged to her.
"Logan is back," she said in shock.
If you asked her how she knew, Rogue wouldn't be able to tell you. Somehow, she just felt it, and with that feeling came many others. First, there was fear. She panicked when thinking that he would get close to her again, yet at the same time she was afraid that he wouldn't want to. Could she handle the proximity that would come as a result of their friendship? On the other hand, could she handle it if he decided not to even try and get close to her again? As far as she was concerned, it was a lose-lose situation.
After all, she was falling in love with Logan, or at least she had been. That emotion was the next to come back to her. Rogue was angry with herself. She had stored that one tightly at the back of her mind, never forgetting it but constantly trying to ignore it. She'd been doing a decent job, too.
"Four years of hard work, all down the drain because I can't control myself from acting like some giddy teenager," she muttered.
Rogue always knew that whenever Logan came back her feelings would be difficult to deal with, but this was just ridiculous. For God sakes, she hadn't even seen him yet!
However, the worst of the things that she felt was a raw, emotional pain and sadness; the reason being that the pain wasn't coming from her, it was coming from Logan! The connection between them after the absorption of his powers by her touch must have been stronger than she thought. Rogue knew that Logan had left Xavier's school to get some answers about his past, and obviously, he hadn't found comforting ones. She remembered when he'd had those terrible nightmares, and she had tried to wake him up to relieve him of the torment. Her actions had almost cost them both their lives. Damn her powers, and damn whoever was responsible for haunting Logan! Neither of them deserved this.
Realizing she was still on her knees in the middle of the hallway, Rogue stopped her current thoughts and looked around. Luckily, it was class-time, so nobody had witnessed her little scene, or at least that was what she had hoped. She quickly got up and went walking around, determined to find Logan. He wouldn't turn her life upside-down, at least not if she had anything to do with it.
The man pulled up to the professor's school on his motorcycle. He carefully placed it in the garage where Cyclops' bike used to be. Logan winced at the thought of having to tell Cyclops that he had ruined his precious bike while on his little "vacation." Then again, he could almost laugh at imagining the expression on Cyclops' face. It would definitely be worth it. The jerk would learn to deal with it, and if he didn't, who cares?
It wasn't that Logan hated the guy, at least not anymore. Before, he had just been jealous that Cyclops had Jean. He no longer felt the stinging jealousy, though. While on his trip, Logan had done a lot of thinking, and realized his feelings for Jean ran no deeper than infatuation. Jean was a friend to him, and he cared for her, but he had never really loved her. If he did, she would have crowded his thoughts while he was away. But surprisingly, she didn't, at least not for more than a week. No, it wasn't love, he was sure of it. At least not anything more than a love between friends.
Shaking Jean from his mind, Logan stepped into the school. "Home sweet home," he said, knowing that this was the only place that could ever feel like home to him. After all, it's where Rogue was.
"Whoa there, where did that thought come from?" he wondered, though it didn't really surprise him.
He had missed Rogue greatly throughout the four years he'd been gone, though he would probably never admit it to anyone. No one had to know how much that girl had come to mean to him. Logan thought about her constantly while he was away, and often worried about what it would be like when he saw her again. She probably hated him by now.
"Are you all right?" asked a concerned voice coming from behind him.
Logan immediately recognized the voice, with its sweet Southern drawl. He also knew the familiar smell that belonged to its owner. That didn't make him any less shocked to realize that Rogue was talking to him. Well, at least it seemed like she didn't hate him.
While waiting for his response, Rogue berated herself for the words that came out of her mouth. She had come to find him, hell-bent on making sure they had no chance of reconnecting, when she had seen him looking lost in thought. She remembered feeling his pain before and wondered if he was thinking about his past. Then, without even meaning to, she had asked the question.
"What, no hello?" he asked her and finally turned around to see her.
What he saw was not one bit what he expected. Logan had expected the same awkward teenager he left behind. It never occurred to him that she would change at all. However, standing before him was a beautiful woman. She had grown-up. Not that she wasn't pretty before, but her facial and bodily features had matured greatly, and her eyes...her eyes made her look much older, as if she had aged from an agony that someone of twenty-one shouldn't have to bear. 'It looks like I'll have to stop calling her kid,' he thought to himself. She was definitely not a kid anymore.
"Hello," Rogue said cautiously. "I'm sorry, you just looked so...sad. Now, are you all right?" she asked him again.
Logan had greeted her as "kid." That's all she ever was to him, and that's all she ever would be. She'd just have to accept it and move on. 'Easier said than done,' she presumed.
"I'm fine," he said harsher than he meant to, and immediately regretted it when he saw the look of pain in her eyes. "Sorry," he muttered.
'Dammit, this isn't going like I planned it,' he realized. Not that he had ever known what he would say to her when he saw her again. He had figured that something would just come to him once he saw her, but he was wrong. Truthfully, he just wanted to hold her in his arms again. It had been so long since the last time, and nothing had felt so right to him since.
"Don't be. I'm just glad you're okay." There was a long pause. "Well, if you'll excuse me..." Rogue trailed off as she started to leave. She didn't think she could take this much longer.
"Not so fast," Logan growled, and then he enveloped her in a careful embrace. He hoped his actions would tell her what he just couldn't seem to express in words.
Rogue understood. "I missed you too, Logan," she told him after making sure he was in no danger of touching her skin. She knew she shouldn't be hugging him...her plan had been to make him want to stay as far away from her as possible. 'After this,' she promised herself. 'I'll just consider this a good-bye hug.'
The two pulled apart after the bell rang and students started flowing through the hallway. Hearing somebody call out his name, Logan turned around to see Jean, Cyclops, and Storm heading toward him.
"Here comes the cavalry," he groaned while turning back toward Rogue. Logan's eyes widened in shock. She was gone!
'We are going to talk, I won't let her hide from me forever,' he vowed to himself. But for now, Logan put his thoughts on hold and prepared to face the three approaching X-men.
Logan growled and headed straight for Rogue's room. He'd have to have a few choice words with her for leaving him alone with Jean, Cyclops, and Storm. Their little reunion had been extremely awkward, to say the least, especially since Cyclops wouldn't stop glaring at him. At least Jean and Storm had welcomed him back. After the greetings, though, they just all stood there silently until it was time for the three teachers to go back to their classes.
No matter, soon all this would be straightened out and he'd find out what the hell Rogue thought she was doing. Without even bothering to knock, he barged in her room. He saw her looking out of a window, keeping her back turned to him.
"Why did you leave?" he asked her fiercely.
"Calm down, sugar," she said. "I just figured I'd give you some time alone with your friends."
"Bullshit," he retorted. "You're up to something, I can tell."
She turned and looked at him with flaming eyes. "You can't tell shit, Logan. You haven't seen me for four years. I've changed, I'm not a little girl anymore. You don't know me at all."
Her words stung him. "That's not true," he said, "and you know it."
"Why lie to yourself? Why should you even care?" she asked testily.
"I care because....because I thought that what the two of us had was something special," he said calmly. Logan was by no means a mild man, but somehow Rogue was always able to soften him. Logan moved his hand to stroke her hair but drew away quickly when she flinched at the contact.
After seeing his dejected face, Rogue's heart broke. She knew that she had to push him away, but she could at least try and be a little nicer while doing it. "Our connection was special, Logan," she assured him. "But that's all in the past. It doesn't matter anymore."
"How can you say that?" he asked, bewildered. "Of course it matters. It's all that matters."
"Not to me," Rogue uttered and turned back around.
It was killing her to look at him. "Not to me..." she said again, this time almost inaudibly.
'Is this really worth it?' Rogue wondered. Dealing with her feelings for him would be difficult, that was a given. But at least she'd have the hope that someday she could control her powers and be able to become a true friend to him. All she had to do was hang on to that hope. Professor Xavier would help her, she didn't have to be alone. 'It will work...it has to,' she thought.
"It'll never work, you know," Logan said gruffly.
Rogue turned and stared at him in shock. All the hope she just felt was gone, just like that. "Wh...what?" she managed to choke out. Had he been reading her mind? Had she been thinking out loud? Why did he say the one thing that could destroy her?
Logan on the other hand was completely confused by her reaction. "I said it will never work, trying to push me away. I'm not going to let you do that."
Realizing what he meant, Rogue sighed in relief. "Oh," she responded, too emotionally drained at the moment to think of something better to say. She sat on her bed, thinking that if she stood her legs wouldn't support her and she'd collapse.
'Something isn't right,' Logan noted and sat down next to her. He put his arm around her but she didn't even seem to notice. "What's wrong, Marie?" he asked warily. He rarely called her by her real name, but he had to find a way to get through to her. "What did you think I was talking about?"
"Nothing. Just forget it," Rogue replied. "It's not important. What's important is that you know I'm not intentionally driving you away. How can I when there's nothing between us anymore in the first place?"
"I don't believe you for a second. I can tell that this is all an act. You were so open to me earlier. Now you're acting totally withdrawn and expecting me to accept it? Well, I'm sorry, but I don't," he stated brusquely.
"Logan," she started with a sigh. Why was he making this so damn hard? "When I saw you earlier, I was stunned. I mean, I haven't seen you in four years! Of course I'm happy to see you. However, that doesn't mean we can just pick up where we left off. I really wish we could, but life just doesn't work that way. I still can't even believe you came back."
"I told you I'd be back, Rogue. I gave you the dog tags as proof, remember?" he recalled for her.
"Yes, I remember," she told him. "And Logan, I hope you're not angry with me...but I don't have them anymore," she lied. Rogue had them in her drawer and she looked at them every night before she went to sleep, wondering if he'd ever return.
Logan felt like he was just punched in the gut. He had hoped that those dog tags would be special to her. "Why not?" he asked her. "Did you lose them?" 'Why does it matter so much to me anyway? Dammit, why do I let this girl get to me,' he wondered, silently scolding himself.
"No, I didn't lose them. I threw them away. Logan, I gave up on you a long time ago. I'm sorry," Rogue apologized and went to put her gloved hand on his shoulder for comfort.
Immediately Logan pulled away from her touch and got up off the bed. He couldn't remember ever feeling this much pain. How could she have given up on him? 'Because she knows you better than anyone. She knows you're unreliable,' he said to himself. 'She knows you don't deserve her.'
"Well, I guess that if that's how you feel, I should go," Logan replied harshly and went to the door.
"Logan, wait!" she begged, but he simply kept going and slammed the door behind him. Rogue put her head down on her pillow and quietly sobbed. Why did she have to hurt him? Why did she have to hurt herself? The whole point of doing this was so that they wouldn't end up hurt. Well, she had failed miserably, at least on her end. She never before felt as shattered as she did now.
Rogue opened her drawer and gave one last look at the dog tags. "I know what I have to do," she said and opened the window. She used her powers to fly outside and headed toward the only place she could go to save herself. Rogue was heading towards the cliffs.
After storming around the school a bit, Logan calmed down a little. He was still wounded by Rogue's words, but he quickly pushed those feelings away. He refused to show any weakness, especially not to her. In fact, he'd be damned if he let her have the last word. Logan marched back up to Rogue's room and barged through the door again.
"Listen, if you think that you..." he started, but trailed off when he realized that he wasn't talking to anybody. The room was empty, Rogue must have left. Logan glanced around the room, taking in the surroundings which he had failed to notice before, when something caught his eye. Something shiny in an open drawer. Wondering if it was what he hoped it was, Logan inched closer to the drawer and subconsciously gasped when seeing what it was. His dog tags! She had kept them. Rogue had lied to him, she didn't throw them away. He was seeing them with his own eyes, unless he was hallucinating. But he wasn't, he knew he wasn't.
Logan swiftly pocketed the dog tags and set out to find Rogue. If she lied to him about the dog tags, she was definitely lying to him about everything else, and he'd find out why. He knew he should have trusted his original instincts, but of course he had to let his stupid emotions get it the way. Well, it wouldn't happen again.
Getting to the garage, Logan mounted his motorcycle, ready to take off.
"Not so fast, Wolverine. Where do you think you're going?" Cyclops asked crossly.
"None of your business, asshole," Logan replied and started the bike.
"Are you running again? Not that I mind, I think it would be best for everyone. I just want my bike back," Cyclops yelled over the engine.
"Oh yeah, I forgot to thank you last time for the parting gift. Unfortunately, it's blown to little pieces somewhere up north. This one's mine, isn't she a beaut? Catch you later, bub," Logan finished and rode out of the garage. He couldn't even enjoy Cyclops' pissed expression because he was so focused on Rogue. Logan wanted answers, and he wanted them now.
It wouldn't be hard to find her. He could smell her scent, so she couldn't be too far away. Her scent flooded through him, almost making him incapable of logical thought. When he recognized where it was coming from, however, his thoughts came back in a full rush. 'What is Rogue doing by the cliffs?' he wondered. Dread suddenly overcame him when he realized what she would probably be doing there. 'Oh my God, she's going to kill herself! I have to stop her," he thought determinedly, and rode on full speed into the night.
Rogue stared into the ocean, as she had so many times in the past few years. This was almost a ritual for her. Every time she felt depressed, which was actually quite often, she would come here to clear her mind. To think about killing herself. To wonder what it would be like to jump and just get it over with. To live, and maybe one day, to die. While staring, she wondered the thoughts she always did when she came here. She knew she was scared....but was she scared to die, or to live?
Out of the corner of her eye, Rogue caught sight of a deer eating from a bush. She knew it was time for the next part of the ritual. "I'm sorry," she whispered to the deer though she knew it wouldn't do any good. She flew to the deer at a great speed and before it could get away, she grabbed it with her bare hands and held on with her super strength. Rogue watched as she sucked the life out of the deer, though at the same time she was confused. It was taking longer for the animal to die than it usually did. Was she finally able to control her powers?
The deer finally gave in to death and fell to a heap on the ground. Rogue cried silently and cursed herself for getting her hopes up. No, she couldn't control her powers, but at least it looked like she was improving. Rogue suddenly felt a jolt of happiness run through her body. She had finally, after four years, made some progress. Looking down at the water again, she knew that tonight was not her night to jump. She knew in her heart that she would never end up killing herself anyway. It wasn't her style. Coming here just felt therapeutic.
Rogue turned around and to her surprise, a motorcycle pulled up about twenty feet in front of her. Startled by both the sight and the noise, she stumbled and tripped on a rock. Not able to catch her balance, Rogue fell off the cliff and let out a bloodcurdling scream.
"Nooooo!!! Rogue!!!" Logan yelled. He was too late. The girl who meant more to him than his own life had just jumped off of a cliff, and it was all his fault. He had driven her to suicide. Logan just stared in disbelief at the spot where Rogue had just been. He could feel the tears beginning to prick at his eyes, and did all he could to stop them. Instead, he let out an angry, heartbroken howl towards the heavens.
"God dammit, Logan, you could have killed me!" a voice yelled a couple of feet from where he stood.
"Rogue? You're alive?" he asked, unsure if he was going insane. He saw Rogue floating in the air, as if she were a ghost...or maybe an angel.
"Yeah, no thanks to you," she said, annoyed. "What do you think you're doing here?"
"I was stopping you from jumping off a cliff!" he shouted, as if stating the obvious.
Rogue glared at him. He found out that she was here, and immediately assumed she was going to jump? Didn't he even consider that maybe she just needed some time alone? "I wasn't going to jump," she stated.
"But I just saw you do it! Speaking of which...why the hell aren't you dead?" he asked, astonished yet glad that she hadn't gone off the cliff.
"First of all, I didn't jump off the edge, but I fell off because you're motorcycle startled me. Second of all, I'm not dead because I have the power to fly now. Oops, I guess I forgot to mention that before," she said sheepishly. "Oh yeah, I also have super strength."
Logan took in all of what she just said. The part that bothered him the most was when she said she had fallen because he startled her. What if she hadn't been able to fly? Then he would have killed her. "I'm sorry," he grumbled and looked away from her.
"It's all right," Rogue told him and walked closer to where he was. "I'm actually quite flattered that you were trying to save me. I guess you really meant in when you promised to protect me that day on the train," she smiled, thinking of that fond memory.
Instead of responding, Logan moved closer to her until her face was only inches from his own. Deciding he couldn't take it anymore, he lowered his head and kissed her passionately. He knew it wasn't safe...he had heard of what happened to the last boy she kissed. But he didn't care what happened to him, or if he ended up in a hospital. All he wanted was this moment with her, let the consequences be damned.