Title: Always and Forever|
Fandom: Star Wars TPM (Slash)
Summary: Obi muses on Tatooine
Spoilers: ending of Episode I
Category: POV, Romance
Disclaimer: the characters in this story belong to George Lucas. No copyright infringement is intended.
Archive: M/A, my website (http://www.user.xpoint.at/e.lebic/default.htm), Haven-Of-Fic please
Notes: Huge Thanks to Martina for the beta ;-) comments and feedback are gratefully received and very much appreciated
ALWAYS AND FOREVER
The nights seem longer since I lost you my love. Though the years have passed I spent them with you, pretending you were lying beside me. All those years.
I haven't forgotten. I remember everything as if it were yesterday -though other things in my past have faded, turned to dust and been carried away by the desert winds. I chose this exile. Not for the boy - rather for the sheer pleasure of being alone, of having no other companion than my thoughts. I enjoy the solitude, the quiet.
When the winds storm across the dunes and take the sands with them I see images of a time long gone - you, striding towards our destiny, fighting the Sith in a tangle of flowing robes and golden, swirled up dust. My eyes fill with tears, I never know if it's the wind or my grief - yes, I still grieve, my love.
I have learned to live without you, but your memory's imprinted in my heart, there's not a moment when I don't think of you in one way or the other. I might be engrossed in a book and suddenly I find myself absentmindedly stroking the faded leather band you used to tie back your hair that fateful day. I've kept it. There were others for the ceremony, others that I could bear to sacrifice to the flames.
I know I should not fret. That's what you taught me - but you can't imagine what I felt on your account, how hard it was to see you die, to hold you knowing there was nothing I could do to save you. That was what broke my heart and turned my soul into a maze of shattered dreams.
You'd have been proud of Ani. He helped me through. Probably because he missed the fatherly friend you had been to him. He was lonely. But we stuck together -I don't know how and when it happened - he won my heart, love. I cared for him, I dared offer him my friendship and my trust.
He never betrayed me until. One false step taken in a moment of anger can lead too far into the darkness - he couldn't turn back. Amidala and me saw it through - we've borne our disappointment and seen our hopes trampled in the dust. I survived - she couldn't. Strong as she was - her love for Ani was like mine for you - and losing him to the Dark Side was worse than losing you to death.
She knew he was still alive, in a way, that her lover was so close and yet so far that she could never reach him - the knowledge he wouldn't come back though the possibility seemed so enticing in her dreams, that was what broke her spirit.
Leia's doing fine, I sometimes steal a tendril of the Force in her direction. She's a princess and happy in her life - she has been born to rule and that's what she'll do - she will lead. You'd love Luke. He's growing up to be so much like his father - like Ani when he was a little boy, like he was when we found him.
You saw everything, I'm sure and I need not tell you, but it's soothing when there's no one to talk to - Owen won't let me visit. He doesn't approve of my meddling with the child. He wants to protect him - Beru's different. She understands the subtle promptings of the Force - it's like an instinct. She knows they'll have to let go soon.
Almost twenty years, love. A long time. And I still talk to you. Still feel the ghost of your touch - you must think me hopeless. Devoted to a spirit that is no more - and yet I know you'd feel the same if you were in my place. I saw the love burning in your eyes, transforming the clear blue into a deep, raging sea, how could I forget when the sky above me has the colour of your eyes?
I kept only little things to remind me - no, not to remind me but to keep me company. What could remind me better of you then my memories of our nights together, entwined in lust and ecstasy or simply cuddling - stolen kisses during missions, glances over the shoulder in battles, checking on each other. It always were the little things, the small luxuries of our live together that I craved most.
The sense of belonging to you as you belonged to me. It was a sensation that warms me still - after all these years. My body's aged, but my heart and mind haven't. They stopped the day you died and never truly lived again. I know we'll meet when my life is done - we'll be united in the Force, though somehow I can't help feeling that my work won't be done for a long time yet. Luke needs my guidance, now and for some time in the future. I will guard and guide him from my place at your side, soon.
Though I admit I'm glad I'll get off this planet I'll miss the sunsets, the sunrises, even the sand storms that conjure up some of my dearest recollections of our last moments together. Yoda sends you his love. As always. We haven't spoken, just a short touch of minds. It's become a habit - reassuring ourselves that we're not completely alone.
I think even Yoda feels lonely now and then - wouldn't you? He's stuck on some planet far out of my reach, what was it called? I tend to forget. Da-something - maybe Dathomir? It doesn't matter - it's an out-of-the-way backwater place, worse even than Tatooine - there are some settlements around at least. Not many, but enough as not to feel completely deserted.
The time for saying goodbye is drawing near. I've got to let go of my comforts, my slow and peaceful style of life, my meditations and my talks with you. It won't be long before I can see you again, love - on the other plane of our existence. You've taught me well - Yoda added only a little polish, you're smiling now, I'm sure. Yes, Yoda polished off the rough edges I had developed.
Not an easy task, though I know he enjoyed it. He's the born teacher -and he has a sense of humour I had never believed he could have - he gave me back some of the free-spirited laughter of my childhood and my youth that I had seemed to lose with you. Enough to spur me on my way.
The sun sets once again. Destiny's closing in on me. I won't complain. The only reason I spend my time remembering what I lost that day is my love for you. It's still as strong as always. Every kiss seemed like the first and making love to you has sated every fibre of my being - forever.
I'm yours love, more than I ever was before. I pledge myself to you again today - the last time in my life - for soon I'll be with you - always and forever.
Please Forgive MeThe song "Please Forgive Me" is copyrighted by Badman ltd. 1999 and sung by Bryan Adams (on the album "The Best of Me", Badman ltd 1999); no copyright infringement is intended.