A PUZZLING CONNECTION
(c) JEL 1999

"She must be kidding! I can barely recognize my own face! Where in Sith's name did that woman come up with such a stupid idea of how to do a jigsaw?"

"Patience, Padawan. This will be a good lesson...for both of us. I'm sure she doesn't mean to insult us. However, I perfectly agree with you on the inconvenience of not being properly put together."

"This is certainly the worst mission the council's sent us on so far...it's harder than any mediating in the midst of a war-torn planet - look at that! She still hasn't found it worthwhile to find my second eye! This is humiliating - I can see that piece clearly enough over there - is she blind?"

"Patience. We must keep calm. Do your meditation exercises; don't let your feelings control you...Sith! What does that damn...forgive me, Padawan."

"Seems like you're having trouble keeping your cool yourself, Master. Though it's quite understandable."

"How could she do that? Look at my hair - it's only half done - a piece here, a piece there, not one strand in place. Does that woman have no mercy? I will talk to Yoda about this."

"I'm sure you will - but till we can get away in one piece I'm afraid we'll have to get used to her...company."

"And her meddling as well, I suppose. My robe's almost finished, but she steadfastly refuses to do my legs - what kind of a Jedi am I?"

"Do you think Yoda had his hand in this? I mean, he gave us this assignment and his sense of humour is sometimes a little...weird. After all, he promised us some leisure time - I'd say this is more like a Sith hell."

"If Yoda is responsible for this mess then...well, we'll have to find a way to thank him."

"We could...get this woman to find it...interesting to put a cute Master Yoda together. I'm sure he'd love that - his feet finished but no head to speak of."

"What a lovely idea. We should do our best to imply that a change of topic might do that jigsaw lunatic some good."

"You're not being particularly polite, Master. Didn't you tell me only a few minutes ago to respect the dignity of other beings and to..."

"That was before she chose to put the left half of my torso right up above my head and my lightsabre so far out of reach I wonder if she'll ever be sensible enough to hand it back to me."

"Now you're complaining! As if this were any easier on me! Look, just look! At least you can! My eye's still somewhere out of bounds, and as for my nose - it's nowhere to be found! If she's lost it someplace I'll..."

"We must be patient. The harder it is, the more of a challenge it will be. I won't give Yoda the opportunity to find me lacking in discipline. I will meditate."

"As you wish, Master. So will I...hey, get your hands off my face! MASTER!! She's trying to suffocate me!!"

"Breathe, Padawan - concentrate on...whatever...maybe just hold your breath. That should do. She won't lean on you for all that long -remember your training."

"Ahhhhhh. That's much better. Sure, Master, that's all so easy for you! Do you know how heavy a woman five or six times bigger than you can be? If not, don't tell me to bear it. WHOA!! - MASTER!! FORCE, WHERE ARE YOU?"

"I'm quite...fine. As far as I can make it out from here - that stupid, clumsy idiot did have to turn round so suddenly."

"She broke your face apart!! Oh, Master, don't worry - if she won't put you together we'll use the Force to find your bits and pieces. You'll be quite your old self again...sometime...whenever."

"Thank you for your kind encouragement, Padawan. It's good to know you haven't lost your, at times inappropriate, sense of humour."

"There, you see, she's taking up her work again, you'll be as good as new."

"Not if she persists in stuffing my left eye where my right should be - now - what intelligence, she's figured out it's the wrong side -at least I can see now."

"We shouldn't ask too much of her all at once. It seems she takes an awfully long time - I just - do you suppose this could be the first time she's doing a jigsaw puzzle? That would explain her...clumsiness."

"No, I believe she's been doing this sort of thing for a hobby for ages, but that she's simply not used to such a lot of tiny pieces, there - what does it say on the box? - 2500?"

"Yes Master. That would of course... HEY - WATCH IT, LADY!! I won't have you put your foot right onto my face!"

"Good. She finished my face. I just hope there won't be any scars from that rough treatment she gave to my eyes and nose. Not that I'm a vain man - but I used to be quite good-looking - it would be a shame to be thus 'discomposed'."

"You've been spending far too much time in pieces, Master. Your vocabulary reflects an astonishing... OUCH!! What was that for? Does this woman have no idea of human build? She can't believe she'll get through with this!"

"Give her some time - she doesn't seem to be a complete idiot after all - she'll figure out that she's put your butt up where your shoulder should be. It's just very hard to see the different shades of brown in your cloak with that light! It's already fairly dark outside and I tell you artificial light makes it difficult to distinguish one hue from the other."

"Sure - that's so typical! As soon as you feel safe and comfortable knowing your face is as fine as it ever was you make fun of me!! What if she doesn't figure it out? Do you think I want to run round with my shoulder on my butt? Who in Sith's name do you think I am?"

"Now, Padawan! As if I'd ever take advantage of your being in a...delicate situation like this. I was simply doing my best to point out the possible reasons for this mistake. If not before she'll see she's made a mistake tomorrow morning."

"How good of you! Staying in this condition for a whole night! As if... - Thanks! Thank you very much! How kind of you to figure it out! I'm impressed! If my shoulder didn't feel like this, I would most certainly attempt a bow!"

"You're being sarcastic, Padawan. A Jedi feels no emotion. We must control ourselves, no matter how great the exertion necessary to do it. We can plot a nice little revenge on Yoda - or whoever else had his or her hand in this as soon as we're back at Coruscant."

"I thought revenge was in no way to be sought."

"There are certain exceptions, as always, Padawan. An exception only strengthens the rule. And in this case no one can say we're breaking the Code just for fun. After all - it was most un-Jedi like to send us on this mission at all."

"Good. At least that'll make it a little easier to bear, knowing I can give the...person...who set us up like this a Sith hell of a bad time."

"It seems like our dear jigsaw puzzler is getting ready to go to sleep. We must meditate and collect all our strength or we won't last the night in this...uncomfortable situation."

"How you always happen to find such innocent words for such damned incidents I really don't know."

"Good morning, Padawan!"

"Good morning."

"Look at this, Obi-Wan. Isn't it lovely of her to start with her task even before breakfast?"

"We're no task, Master - we're her Sith-forsaken responsibility!"

"Ah. What a thoughtful young woman. She finished my torso and put it all in the right place. If she goes on like that we might be done by noon!"

"Typical. Everyone's always concentrating solely on you. Sometimes I wish I were either your size or had your title."

"I don't mean to sound, but you know...she might find me...attractive and therefore find it necessary to complete my likeness first."

"You're as vain as a peacock. I'm only sorry your 'dear lady' hasn't yet thought of your legs attentively enough to enable you to strut about like one."

"Believe it or not, Padawan. At my age it's most flattering to -hey!"

"Sorry, Master. But seems like 'your fan' had suddenly changed her mind. At least now I've got hands, arms and legs as well as a torso!"

"HEY! What do you think you're doing? Get me my legs and hands this instant! I'm a Jedi Master! I deserve respect."

"...and preferential treatment I suppose. Let me guess! Her solicitous care to put me together leaves you in shreds."

"This is NOT funny, Padawan!"

"You can give me all the training sessions you like, Master, but it feels damn good to give you a little of your own medicine back."

"Grin as long as you still can, Padawan. I'll deal with you when this...woman has given me my body back."

"She's almost finished with me - I'm sure she will get back to you soon enough. JUST A SECOND! - HEY! LADY! THIS IS MY LIGHTSABRE! MINE!"

"You should never make fun of others, Padawan - CAREFUL! THAT HURT! And yes, this is NOT my lightsabre - why in Sith's name should I choose such a small hilt - can't you see my hands...oh, sorry, you haven't finished them - well, if you had you would see that my hands are way too big for that hilt!"

"Don't ask too much of her - there! She's figured it out. THANKS."

"At least I'm getting my own legs. And - yes, thank you, this is my left hand. And this is just the right place for it. So if you'd be so good as to FINALLY PUT IT WHERE IT BELONGS!"

"She's almost done! Master! We'll finally get out of here!"

"It's about time. And I tell you one thing - someone will have to pay for this...and right now I don't care who it is."

"One more piece... YES! WE'RE COMPLETE!"

"Now, Obi-Wan, we should show her we appreciate her work."

"Not to worry - I'm a little stiff still, but I guess I can manage a tolerable bow."

...How deceiving early morning light can be on someone still half asleep - it almost seemed as if there were two Jedi bowing to me in my jigsaw puzzle - yet, after breakfast there were only the odd planets and spaceships to look at...