BITTERSWEET MEMORIES
© Triskell, September 2000

(Obi-Wan)

Here we are. Yoda and I. Standing amongst the ruins; the stones and rubble at our feet are all that is left of the Jedi Temple, of our Order. It's been a long time since we were here. The only reason we came was to say goodbye. Soon this planet will tremble to the sound of the beat as the Imperial soldiers march through to set up their rule.

We don't know how long it will last. I dream of pain that is still to come; of the pain that has passed my by and of that I still feel. The Jedi have been eradicated - if Palpatine knew Yoda and I were here, we would be terminated as well. But we've been around a long time, even while he took power.

We fight him the only way we can - by evading his detection. The 'Emperor' might have the best spy network, the highest qualified man to kill for him and the greatest terror - Darth Vader - at his side.but he will never catch us.

"All your city lies in dust." I whisper, echoing the words Palpatine spoke the day he began the Jedi purge by his attack on the Temple. Few survived. Most of them were hunted down. Yoda and I remain. We are just prisoners here, of our own device. We could have left some time ago and never returned. Yet we did; we came back to share the last few moments of our life as Jedi of the Order.

When the sun rises on the glass spires and cityscape of Coruscant tomorrow we will part - forever. 'Everything we got, we got the hard way'. That's what Qui-Gon told me once about the Jedi. It was never easy being one of those who are different to the gross of the universe's population. Yet the Order was established, the Council and the Temple. Persistence and dedication have raised the Jedi; and these two qualities will lead them on.

I hold two brown paper packages tied up with string in my hand. One is for Yoda, the other for me. Memories of a time that's long been gone. These small parcels contain the last carefree smiles and laughs we shared; the times we were friends.and happy; those were the days of our lives we must hold on to, amidst the chill of death and destruction, our only haven, our last refuge when we are all alone, Yoda and I.

My most cherished memories are those of a camping trip Bant and I made with our Masters. I had been pestering Qui-Gon for the better part of the week to make sure he was coming, but he didn't seem to rise to the bait. Never before have I dropped more hints.and it seemed to be totally in vain.

Bant, having decided that we were making that trip, no matter what, dragged me off shopping. We were searching, through thrift-store jungles in the lower levels of Coruscant, as my friend insisted that they did not only have the best prices, but also the greatest things on offer. I didn't believe her, of course, but who was I to argue?

So I trudged along, listening to Bant's chattering on happily, pointing out one thing or the other. It didn't occur to me that she was probably shopping there most of the time, until I saw her haggling with a fruit trader from the other end of the galaxy.

Anyone would have been exasperated with his stubborn insistence on an exorbitant price; in fact, I would have used a small touch of the Force to get him to agree to my offer; yet Bant just looked at him gravely and said:

"Make me a deal, and make it straight. Or I'll make sure I'm the last person you try to cheat. These cherries are neither ripe nor Corellian! I'm not easily fooled, buddy."

I must have stared at her, because she turned to me, grinning widely and shrugging.

"I like to watch things on TV. You wouldn't believe what you can learn from the documentations about the barter systems in the galaxy."

When we finally returned to the Temple, we were both laden down with more goods that I had believed we could possibly get with what little money we had at our disposal. It's not like the Jedi were ever overpaid.

Bant prepared the ingredients we would need for dinner - we had planned to have vegetable soup and Corellian stew, minced meat pies and raw fish in a strange looking and stranger tasting sauce and maybe some salads.

In the meantime, I took care of potatoes, fresh veggies and desserts. I never was a good cook, yet I've had my fair share of warming food rations on missions. The results were, of course, fatal. By the early evening, Bant was already doubling over with laughter.

"Love maker, heart breaker - poisoned look, devil cook." She chanted again and again.

Teasing me, that was what she always enjoyed the most. Especially my being the 'Temple heartthrob' amused her; Obi-Wan, the infamous lover who could not be tamed or, as she delighted in calling it - chained - to any other heart.

"But somebody should be told that my libido hasn't been controlled." Was all the answer she got and she sobered a little. We had had 'that' talk two years ago, in the popular night club 'Baby's On Fire' that we frequented at that time. I had told her I was in love with my Master and she had promised to be there whenever I wanted to talk.

We had never mentioned my feelings again, yet every time my 'promiscuity' was brought to light, I reminded her that I was, in fact, very steady in my heart, if not in my sexual liaisons. We joked about telling Qui-Gon, but I never dared to actually do it.

"Still haven't spilled the beans, have you Obi?"

"You know, I was hoping I'd get some down time with Qui-Gon on this trip. A relaxed atmosphere where we could really talk."

"Oh, you sly creature! I knew you had something in mind. But why all the fuss about me and Mace coming along? Why, you even invited Yoda!"

"Just in case.you know, if he turns me down or anything."

But Bant only grinned and innocently handed me a pot of soup. "Put a lid on it." Casually she added, ".and fuck your Master this weekend, will ya?"

I was just pushing my sleeping bag into my largest bag-pack when Qui-Gon appeared at my open door and leaned at the doorframe.

"What are you doing, Obi-Wan?" he said, in a tone of mild amusement. As if he didn't know.

"I'm packing my bags for the Misty Mountains. Are you coming with us now or aren't you? Master Yoda and Master Windu are ecstatic!"

"Ecstatic? Are you trying to kid me, Obi-Wan? Mace has just stopped by with his bag-pack to complain about being forced to go camping!"

"And Master Yoda? Surely HE is looking forward to having a bit of fun."

"Mmh.yes, I suppose he is and that is precisely why I don't think I should join you. Yoda's spirits have been know to.run away with him.at times. But I 'll think of it, nevertheless."

"We could tell stories, sing, sit around the campfire. Let the whole galaxy be for a while. Wouldn't that be nice? A change would do you good."

"I said I'd think about it, Obi-Wan. I'll tell you on Sunday morning, alright?"

"Qui-Gon! Sunday'd be too late. You know we're leaving early on Saturday morning! Why do you have to be such a tease!"

My Master just grinned at me, mirth sparkling in his eyes. This is a memory that never fails to make me smile, for it is a moment of pure joy that will always warm my heart.

"Well, then I suppose. If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad." Qui-Gon gave a mock sigh, belied by his playful tone and added, as an afterthought. "I don't want to miss a good thing."

I nodded, taking the eggs and bacon and called over the Masters: "Breakfast! Anyone for tennis afterwards?"

The camping trip was the last time we were all together. About three months later, while Qui-Gon and I were on a mission, something happened that shattered a part of my world.

I had a sense of foreboding, when the prime minister of Altynia sought me out in my quarters late in the evening.

"Oye como va, good Jedi?"

"I'm fine, thank you, prime minister."

"What can I do for you?"

"A message came for you. Great Master Yoda sent it. I am most sorry to bring it to you. Most sorry."

He put a piece of paper on the table, bowed and left. The bad feeling increased tenfold as I began reading the tiny handwriting.

'Accident there has been. Dead, your friend is.'

I needed nothing else to tell me it was Bant. Of all the people I have known in my life, she was the only true friend.

Qui-Gon found me a few hours later, when he returned from a late meeting.

"What's wrong with you, love?"

"I'm crying."

"I can see that."

I pushed the paper towards him, not looking up. Tears were running freely down my cheeks and I didn't care. I had to give in to the emotions, there was no way I could just accept this tragedy without any feelings.

"Bant. I'm sorry, Obi-Wan. There is no need to cry. She's one with the Force, she'll always be with you. Let go of this grief, find your centre. Serenity, Padawan."

"Serenity? Sith, Qui! Your serenity, that's what makes you statuesque. You can be like a stone at times, do you know that? She DEAD! GONE! I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT SERENITY! Stay away from me!"

Qui-Gon flinched, I felt it in the Force, as if I had slapped him across the face. But he still sat down beside me and took me in his arms.

"Cry then, if you must. I'll be here, love."

I was cold that night. Not even my lover's warm body prevented the chill from creeping into my bones. I was mumbling, tossing and turning in bed and Qui-Gon finally used a touch of the Force to put me to sleep.

I still didn't know how exactly Bant had died. And, in truth, I couldn't have cared less. All that mattered was that she was no longer part of my life, that for the first time I was faced with a loss that was too powerful to come to grips with.

Why do we dream in metaphors? I never did, not before, not after that night. But this once my dreams were images, forebodings and emotions mixed into a cocktail of pain and grief and fear.

I stood in a white room with black curtains. Black like the veils that would be hung in the Temple corridors, white like the sterile halls where Bant would lie, mourned by those who knew her, passed by those who didn't.

"Boy you can give me a shine." Someone held their shoe in my direction and I looked up straight into Bant's sparkling eyes.

"Won't you clean my shoes, boy?"

I was too stunned to speak, I simply stared at her, then caught her in a fierce hug. She was there, I could touch her, her skin damp as usual, her body warm and alive against mine. So real.

"It's plain to see we were meant to be; friends forever, you and me." She whispered and I remembered how proud she had been of her poem. It had been ours, a token of our friendship, words that expressed how close we were.

"You make the rockin' world go round." I had told her when she showed me those lines and she had smiled.

I was dimly aware of the tears that slipped from my eyes; Bant pushed me back a little and brushed them away. That fleeting touch of her fingers against my cheek sent a cold, unnatural shiver through me, as if my heart were being torn and my soul shredded with this gentle caress.

"Love is stronger than justice, Obi. You are angry and confused.but it was my time. Sometimes you've got to give in. There are fates that cannot be changed."

"But you are.were. You saw the best there was in me."

"You have your Master, your lover." She gently admonished me.

"We care a lot for each other, we love each other, but it's not the same. You know that!"

I was being childish, irrational, untruthful to a certain extent, and I knew it, but all Bant did was smile at me.

"Why don't you stay for the night? I'll hold you and stay with you till you fall asleep. Then I'll leave."

I nodded, tears threatening again. And Bant, my dearest, truest friend wrapped me up in her arms and her love and held me as I wept myself to sleep.

"You'll remember me when the west wind moves." Said the warm breeze as it passed over me, hugging me, smelling of water and damp skin and Bant.

When I awoke, I was alone.

I talked to Qui-Gon that morning. I was mortified and shocked at my outburst. I should not have let my feelings run wild. He was not responsible for my inability to deal with my emotions after all.

"I'm so sorry, I should not have screamed at you. I was wrong, I will behave myself.I promise I'll never talk back to you again."

"There's no need to apologize, love; and please remember that you're not my slave. I don't mind you voicing your opinion, your disagreement, your thoughts. In fact, I cherish this. You won't see me offended by what happened yesterday, because you had every right to be angry. I wasn't exactly tactful."

"But you were right. I should learn to be still. To accept emotions, not to let myself be caught up."

"Serenity is all very well, but I understand that your feelings at such a time are in too much turmoil to be smothered by Jedi stoicism and calm. It was wise of you to let them all go. Maybe I should have cried when I lost Xanatos. It would have purged me of much of my disappointment, I believe."

Then Qui-Gon smiled and hugged me. "You won't be alone, love. I'm here for you, don't ever forget that."

I don't need any tokens to remind me of the day I lost my lover to the Force. The day when that cursed Sith's blade killed him.

That touch to my cheek filled me with a coldness that is beyond description, an emptiness that was deeper and darker than death itself, for it was a joyless, hopeless life looming ahead of me, the fear of never loving again that threatened to consume me.

While I had found comfort after Bant's death in the mere knowledge that Qui-Gon was there, in the fact that no disagreement on whatever principle ever alienated us or forced our love apart, there was only nothingness now.

I longed to die, to end it all. And there was my tearful 'I promise' - one single thread that held me in this life. I loathed Qui-Gon's request just as much as I embraced it as the sole possibility of survival.

Yoda stood beside me. And still I failed in training Anakin.

"Kill you, too much love will."⁽¹⁾

I snap out of my reverie and look at the small green creature beside me.

"Dedicated to serving and protecting, the Jedi were. Prepared for the Dark Forces, we were not. Mollified by the promise of victory we were. Light triumphs over Dark. Hrmpf. Not so, this is."

"No one lives forever. You have told me so yourself after Qui-Gon's death. We all follow our own path, make our own choices."

"Yes. Walk this way you must on your own, from now on."

"I will, Master."

I kneel down beside the ancient Jedi and hold out one of the brown paper packages tied up with string to him. He smiles when he looks inside.

"Good memories these are. Cherish them I will."

"Me too."

I hug him and hold him tight. Now, as the sun rises over the devastated building, painting the remainder of the walls, the rubble itself with the ghostly shade of red, tingeing the memory of death with bloody hues, we walk away from each other.

"Nothing's gonna touch you in these golden years." A soft voice whispers in my mind. I smile for I know it is Qui-Gon's.

The Force has led me to seek refuge on Tatooine, amidst the dunes Anakin once called his home. In the gold of the sands I will wait. Now I'm ready to feel your hand, my love, your presence. But even if I will not, I don't want to die anymore, for I have chosen to live. I know that it's gonna be me. I will be the one to open the door to the universe for the last of the Jedi and the first of a new era.

I feel free of the burdens of the past. I have come to embrace serenity. Now I'm ready to close my eyes, to let go of all memories but of those that will sustain me. Bant, Qui-Gon, Yoda and the moments we shared, the warmth and the happiness.

It's the terror of knowing what this world is about that can drive you insane. But the love that's within you can drive out even this. Goodbye, everybody. I've got to go. I bow in reverence to the ghosts between the rubble, the presences I still feel lingering in the Force.

A reunion in death. That is what I wait for and that is what my most glorious thought will be.

The End.

⁽¹⁾ There used to be a greying tower alone on the sea. Last night they loved you. Too much love will kill you. (had to be adapted to Yoda's pattern of speech)