LIGHT OF MY LIFE
(c) JEL 2000

**indicates Obi's telepathy
//indicates Qui's telepathy

(Qui-Gon)

Would you mind, if I called you the light of my life?

I told you I love you, yet these words are shallow in comparison to what I feel, to what I need you to understand.

The barest hint of your smile has often warmed me when I thought no better feeling could take the pain away from me. I have sometimes failed in my mediations, failed so bitterly that thousands of innocent had to suffer. But you were there. Although you would not smile then, I saw the emotion in your eyes and your kindness in taking care of me has helped me to see through the guilt and the reproaches I made myself.

What you give me can't ever be repaid, I thought I had lost the ability to experience emotions such as those you evoke. I can't remember when exactly it all began, yet I do know that even as a young boy you often made me smile.

I hardly ever showed you, I admit. I was so strict with you, never seemed to appreciate you enough. But you persevered and you proved to me that I was doing you wrong in taking so little notice of the wonderful Padawan you had become, the wonderful man it took me so long to get to know.

But when I finally did open up towards you, offered you the friendship you had every right to from the moment I took you as my Padawan, you accepted me as readily into your life, as if you'd always held a place ready for me.

I have never told you, I believe, how silly I sometimes felt, playing your Master, when I knew that your feelings were true and just and mine stemmed from obeying rules that had no room in our mission.

I never particularly minded the Code, yet when I was with you, I often stubbornly refused to see your side of the matter, accept your better judgement. Oh, I know I often hurt you - you hid it well, but never well enough. Your forbearance shamed me more than once and I still haven't come to understand how you could ever forgive me for all the negligence and pain I inflicted upon you.

You make me so happy, and I have so little to give you in return. My trust - you deserved it even the first time we met, and I knew it - how long did I let you wait? A few years, if I remember correctly. You never complained.

What else could I give you? My friendship. I gave it too late, this too, but you have it now, if that's to be any consolation for me.

My love, that's yours, and it was given when you wanted it - at least it seemed that way to me. I know I shouldn't keep these thoughts to myself - I should talk to you about them, let you hear what I have to say, but it might seem as if I were only fishing for compliments, hoping you'll say you forgive me for all the pain I caused.

I hear your footsteps on the corridor, oh, I know, it's deemed impossible, but the rapid beating of my heart tells me you'll be coming inside any moment -there - I was right.

"Good afternoon, Padawan. Did you have a nice time?" There - I did it again, fell into the teaching mode, yet you smile, as if you hadn't noticed.

"Yes, Master, it was very entertaining to take care of the three-year-olds all morning. I am sure I learned more about patience than I ever thought possible."

Do you know that your grin's melting my heart? You seem so innocent, as if you really had no idea at all what you do to me and when you say "Master" - it's almost a caress. You have so many different ways of saying it -obediently, stubbornly, angrily or - lovingly.

"Were you meditating, you seem far away."

"No, just thinking." We should talk. I should share my thoughts with you, but you sit beside me and kiss me - not exactly the right moment to actually think.

"If you'd rather be alone, I can."

As if I'd let you go, as if I'd ever let you go.

Nights seem to pass away a lot faster when I hold you in my arms. You are the perfect excuse for any tiredness in the morning, if only I dare tell anyone. I guess Yoda knows - it would be hard to keep my confusion from him, yes, confusion. I don't know what to make of all this - of your readiness to take me as your lover, to share all with me - as if I deserved it.

"Hey, you still awake? I thought you'd be dead tired by now."

You grin. It's hard to resist you. I know how much you love to seduce me, as if you couldn't get enough of my touch, my attention - could it be that that's all it is? A call for help, attracting my notice after I've let you down so often. Force, if it were I could never, ever.

"What's the matter? I knew something was troubling you, but I didn't know it was that prominent in your mind - you don't even have a moment's peace from whatever it is."

"It's nothing you should concern yourself with, only."

"Nothing to concern myself with? Sith, do you have any idea what you're saying? Are you trying to lock me out, to keep me away from you? I know it's hard for you to let go at the best of times, but this, Qui-Gon Jinn - I demand you tell me what scares you so much!"

I hadn't known you could be so demanding, or quite so forceful. I know you're worried, I see it in your eyes, they've changed into a muddy, greyish blue with exasperation - you're angry with me, because I keep you away from me.

"I'm sorry, Padawan."

"Padawan? I thought we had left that stage behind us. Ok, here's a deal for you, you need not tell me whatever it is that's troubling you - but then I think it would be better to - freeze our relationship. I can be absolutely honest and open with you, and that is all I ask of you - that you let me share your thoughts. I can't stand being kept at the side. I'm not a little boy anymore - you don't need to protect me."

I had forgotten you were grown-up, almost. You seem so young to me and now you're getting up, leaving me to consider what you've said. How can I possibly tell you what I feel without making you think I'm trying to hold you, hoping to make you feel sorry for me so that you won't leave. You're my world, all that makes me happy and I can't even tell you.

Now here I am. In front of Yoda's quarters, by all the Sith hells. I can't for the galaxy explain why I came here. You left early this morning and you keep your shields up to give me time I guess, and I don't think I'll find a solution on my own - some Jedi Master I am.

"Qui-Gon."

That little guy will scare the hell out of me one of these days, creeping up like this from behind.

"Taking my morning walk, I was. Time you came to me it is. Come in you will."

Oh, this is not good. He seems angry, I must be in a bad scrape. Sith, I'm no Padawan any more. I haven't done anything to be ashamed...this train of thought definitely is all but pleasant. I follow Yoda inside and take the seat he offers me.

"An idiot you are."

Thank you, Master, what a nice thing to say and it doesn't surprise me in the least, do insult me even though I can't for the wealth of the galaxy imagine why you're so angry with me.

"Understand me, you do not. Explain I will. Come to me, Obi-Wan has. Told me he loves you he has. Treat him like a lover you do not. Lonely, the boy still is. Share your life with him, you will not. Share his bed, you can. Ashamed of yourself you should be."

That hurt, Master, but I see you've got more to say.

"Why give him your body you can? Why deny him your soul you do?"

An answer. Wonderful timing. I don't know, if I knew I'd not have come.

"I."

"At a loss for words you are. Good. Think this over, you will. Come to me in the afternoon you will. Explanation I will have. Deserve Obi-Wan you do not. Know not what he sees in you I do."

If I felt any better about myself I'd fly into a rage. This is really not fair, Yoda - what do you know about me and my heart?

"Help you I cannot, Qui-Gon. Know what you want, you do not."

I take it back, he knows me - and better than anyone else. Yes, I don't know what exactly I want from you, my Padawan, my lover. More than what I have with you now, something more intimate I guess. But what is more intimate than a sexual relationship, except - sharing one's soul with the person one loves?

I stroll around in the gardens. It's a lovely day, but I wouldn't notice much anyhow. You've got me all riled up, Obi-Wan, more than you know. I'm thinking feverishly - the last thing I want is to lose you, but you probably don't even know that much. It will be a long day and then I'll have to face Yoda again and he's all but pleased with me.

"Master?"

"Found out what you want, you have?"

"I want Obi-Wan, Master."

"An idiot you still are, Qui-Gon. Not enough this is. Want him, you do. All, this cannot be."

"No. It isn't. I must share my being with him, I realize that, but."

"Trust him you do?"

"With my life."

"Not with your heart."

"I don't understand, Master."

"Understand me, you do. Accept it you will not."

Once again, I stand in awe of him. Oh, yes, we're getting to the root of this whole mess. My dear Padawan, the man who means the world to me and I'm afraid to fully give myself to you because. I'm scared to death of being hurt, always have been probably, but there was never such a perfect opportunity to run away from. I never loved anyone like I love you.

"How can I trust him?"

"Ask me, you do? Know this, I do not. Trust the boy, you do. Love him, you do. Believe he will hurt you, you do? Why?"

"He's all I ever wanted, all I ever...and the way - I treated him very badly for a long time."

"Think not forgiven you, he has, you do."

"Yes, Master."

"Take revenge on you, Obi-Wan would? Hurt you, break your heart, he would? Disappointed I am, Qui-Gon. Brains you have, use them, you do not."

Shaking his head and sighing. Great. My own Master thinks I'm a fool -what a wonderful day this has been. I know what I must do and feel I can't. There are so many barriers in my head, so many walls I have constructed. I can't just take them all down.

"Do you think he would."

"Ask Obi-Wan you must. Deal with this, the two of you must. Force you to be happy, I cannot. Go to your quarters you should. Rest you will. Talk to the boy you will. Long night it will be."

A dismissal. If I didn't know he had my best interests in mind I'd say he's callous, cruel. But I know he pities you, Padawan. And right now, he's angry as a Sith because I dare hurt you. He likes you. Bet you had never thought he would, but he's very affectionate and amiable - once you get to know him.and when he isn't mad at you.

I sit here, waiting for you. I dare not even call you beloved. What good does all my experience do me, what good is my age when it seems I haven't learned enough to gladly open my arms and embrace you, embrace life and happiness. I'm an idiot. Yoda's right, I'm a stubborn, Force forsaken idiot when it comes to dealing with my heart.

You're almost home, I feel you approach and I must brace myself for the inevitable. After tonight I might have lost my Padawan, my lover. If I fail this time no planet will suffer, the galaxy will rest unchanged in every particular, except for my life. It will be shattered into fragments without you.

"Master."

At least you acknowledge my presence, that's more than I had hoped for.

"Pada...Obi-Wan, would you, I'd like to, can you spare a moment?"

How best to set about this - my head's spinning, I have no idea what to say. It's embarrassing enough to own up all my faults, it's hard enough to accept them and now to disclose all I've done wrong in front of you - I'm not sure I can do it.

You sit opposite me, silent. You wait for me to make the first step and that's just as it should be. It's my duty to make amends, for I'm the one who's injured you.

"I, I'm sorry."

Phew. I got it out, but I see only plain confusion on your face. Yes,
understand, it usually is better to say what you're sorry about.

"Sorry for the way I...for all the pain I caused you. I left you to fend for yourself and never really told you how proud I was of you, how well you were doing."

"You mean, when I was younger, the first few years after I'd become your apprentice?"

I wonder you're so surprised. I've seen so much incomprehension and loneliness in your eyes then it will last me for a lifetime.

"Yes, that's what I mean. I felt I was wrong then and I wanted you to know before I, before we talk about anything else."

"Force, that was so many years ago. It took you long to accept me, but you did in the end. It was my first triumph, my first real step to becoming a Jedi. I had to persevere, no matter how little recognition you gave me. It made me strong and self-reliant."

"It was too hard on a boy your age. When I should have given you kindness and friendship, I often simply turned away."

"I'm sure you had your reasons."

"You never asked me."

"I didn't think you'd want to talk about it."

You brush it all off so easily, as if it really were a mere nothing. But I'm ashamed of myself and I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself.

"What I'm sorry for most of all, in fact - that is to say, I locked you out, when I most when I should have."

I feel really stupid now. A man of my age should have the power to express himself in precise, intelligible sentences. But you simply sit there, you wait, give me time.

"I never shared my thoughts with you, as I ought to have done when we got together."

"I knew it was hard for you to admit you cared for me, but I had no idea it was that difficult. What is it, Qui-Gon? It's not that you don't want me, is it? But you are afraid of me?"

I nod. Now I've reached the level of embarrassment where I just want to vanish into thin air and hide somewhere, far away from you, your eyes. You pity me, I see it in your eyes and that's worse than everything else. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't deserve it, I don't even deserve you, after all, what have I ever done to deserve you.

"Talk to me! That's all I ask of you. Sith, you can't just sit there and stare at me like a wounded creature - if I hurt you, then say something, do something, scream, shout, hit me if it makes you feel better - QUI-GON!"

What can I possibly say, how can I explain? I'll stop thinking, just not think anymore and act - live in the moment - how often have I told you that?

"I'm.Obi-Wan, please, I know I can't explain properly."

"We've got as long as it takes. I won't move, I'm here, take your time."

"I trust you, with my life, but I love you more than I can express -you are like the sun in my life, you give me so much and I can't even give you all of myself. I can't just open up and let you know everything. It's...I can't believe you really want me."

I said it. I can't believe I just said it. I saw you bite back an answer, you're biting your lower lip. I doubt you and that's not what you expected, but it's not your affection I doubt, in a way it's my ability to deserve you, to have such a gift, to have you give me warmth and love - to have the sun in you, with me, in my heart.

"Look at me, Qui-Gon. Look into my eyes. I guess there's nothing I can say that will convince you - see for yourself."

You take my hand. No!

"DON'T!!"

"What are you so afraid of? I won't see you as an intruder. There'll be some thoughts I'll keep shielded and as for the rest, I love you. I don't mind your seeing what I feel, what I think. Honesty's what a relationship is about, sharing your emotions, giving and taking."

"I...my shields! I can't, I can't lower them."

"You don't have to."

"I must. If we are to be together, the way I would like to be together with you, I must let you in and I can't possibly accept your giving me what I'm not able to give you."

"I can wait. We'll spend more time with each other, talk, maybe we can gradually break down the barriers between us - together."

I feel completely overwhelmed. You're wiser than me. Wise beyond your years. If I knew where you have learned to be so compassionate, to love so completely and unconditionally. It might be your nature, but someone must have helped you develop it. I'm sure it wasn't me.

Many months have passed. You were right. It took me a long time, but I've shared almost everything with you, last night we even shared a bed again. It was more intense a feeling than ever before, maybe because we really were together, not only our bodies, but our minds.

You smile at me. If I didn't know how little you approve of this mission. You've had nightmares. You didn't share them with me, you are afraid for me. We've grown so close and now. I know I'll not come back this time. I've had a vision. I don't normally have visions - I foresee only the inevitable, like my death.

We won't talk about it. There's no need. We reached a level where words are not needed.

//What are you grinning at?//

**You've just packed one of my robes in your bag. I wonder how you'll look wearing it.**

I can't help laughing. So many things we had to go through, so much pain until we came to this, until I found the strength to let you share my life and so little time left to indulge in our love.

//You brighten up every day of my life, have I ever told you that?//

**No. But it's good to hear. I love you.**

We're just in time for the shuttle - except for Yoda no one knows we're leaving on a mission for the Supreme Chancellor and no one else watches us leave. I guess he knows, he feels the dark disturbance in the Force, I won't tell you I know, Obi-Wan. This time, it will be best if you think me ignorant. You won't fear your nightmares then, but seek to belittle them - I will cherish all of the moments we still have.

//Obi-Wan?//

**Yes?**

//I'm yours, mind, body and soul. Always.//

You might not understand it now, but it's just something you must know.

THE END.

Du Soleil au Cour Il est arrivé par un matin de mai et du premier jour
J'ai su que je l'aimais
Vous allez sourire, il m'a semblé que j'avais
Du soleil au coeur, du soleil au coeur
C'était lui qui brillait dans ma vie

Le temps a passé, si bien que je ne sais,
Si on s'est connu un jour ou une année
Mais je peux vous dire que j'ai encore aujourd'hui
Du soleil au coeur, du soleil au coeur
Comme au jour; de notre premier jour !

Je me dis souvent, pour combien de temps
Encore un moment ou cent mille ans
Tant que je vibrais, jamais je n'oublierai
Les merveilles de ce matin de mai
Tout au fond de moi, je sais que j'aurai toujours

Du soleil au coeur, du soleil au coeur
Quand mon coeur un jour s'arrętera !

The Sun in my Heart

He arrived on a morning in May and from the first day
I knew I loved him
You will smile, it seemed to me that I had
The sun in my heart, the sun in my heart
It was he who shone in my life

Time has passed by, so well that I don't know
If we have known each other a day or a year
But I can tell you that I today I still have
The sun in my heart, the sun in my heart
Like on the day; of our first day !

I often tell myself for how long -
Another moment or a hundred thousand years
As long as I tremble I'll never forget
The wonders of this morning in May
Deep inside me I know I'll always have

The sun in my heart, the sun in my heart
When my heart will stop (beating) one day

The song 'Du soleil au cour' can be found on the CD "Celine Dion volume 1" copyright Sony Music Entertainment SA (France) 1997. I made the transcript and translated the song - all faults are my own.