Title: Shakespeare Academy - The Greatest Nobleman of All
Fandom: Star Wars (slash)
Rating: R (VERY GORY AT TIMES!)
Summary: The timeless classic - Shakespeare's "Julius Caesar"; completely twisted ;-)
Series/Spoilers: Shakespeare Academy/just a few tiny ones for Episode
I (if you really haven't seen it until now!!)
Category: AU, play, Humour (a little)
Disclaimer: I bow in reverence for the Great George Lucas who was kind enough to provide us with the beautiful Star Wars galaxy and characters for our enjoyment ;-). No copyright infringement is intended. Please take a moment to look at the notes at the end of the story.
Archive: M/A please; Haven-of-Fic please; my website (http://www.user.xpoint.at/e.lebic/default.htm)
Warnings: character death (involves red blades.), intense emotional pain while reading (is possible) - and you might not quite recognise Shakespeare's play ;-)
Author's Notes: The Shakespeare Academy Series consists of stand-alone pieces.
Huge thanks to DarryWillis for going through this.
I have the utmost admiration for Shakespeare and I consider him to be one of the greatest poets and playwrights ever. I don't intend to make fun of him, but I guess you'll find that this story doesn't take itself overly serious at times.
THE GREATEST NOBLEMAN OF ALL
Play in 3 Acts
Qui-Gon, the Caesar
Anthony Kenobi, his former student
Darth Brutus, Qui-Gon's dearest friend
Palpatinus, the most honourable council member
Mace Windus, council member Gaius Yoda, ancient seer
Annius Skywalker, aid to Gaius Yoda
Amidala, the narrator
Amidala steps on the stage, wearing an elaborate costume of violet
"Righteous honour bound the galaxy in peace's ties
While our great Caesar ruled those many years
And his end will mark a gruesome change with tears
As honour's stained and loving friendship dies."
At Palpatinus' villa in the outskirts of Coruscant. Palpatinus stands
at the window, looking out over the wide grey skyline of the gigantic
city. His eyes are cold, his lips curve in a harsh smile. Mace Windus
and Darth Brutus enter the room. Palpatinus turns around, opens his
arms and welcomes them warmly.
"My friends, what honour to see you in my humble abode!"
"You are so modest, oh Palpatinus, richest man of Coruscant."
"Of the galaxy, you mean, my friend." (He grins evilly.)
"Noble Palpatinus, I thank you for your invitation."
"What reason did you have for calling us to you, on this beautiful
Palpatinus sighs, shakes his head:
"I fear the galaxy's threatened by one almighty foe."
Darth Brutus, his eyes wide:
"The Critics are planning to attack!?"
"Oh no, young Brutus, that cannot be, we destroyed them in 1977 BC!"
Palpatinus casts a sideways glance at them, then shakes his head, his
features a mask of carefully tempered pain:
"No, my friends, I fear the Critics are naught compared to the foe I
talk about. I wish I need not put you through this, yet I cannot let
the galaxy suffer in the wake of terrible destruction."
"Tell us, oh noble Palpatinus, let us hear the name of the man who
threatens the galaxy!"
Palpatinus keeps his eyes on Brutus' features when he replies:
"I fear that our right noble, dearest Caesar is the one."
Darth Brutus gasps, staring in utmost shock and disbelief at
"I cannot believe it! Think, good Palpatinus, before you so accuse
our friend, our leader, our." (Palpatinus throws him an icy glance
and he stops.)
Darth Brutus, his red and black face flushed even redder with anger:
"I will leave this instant and tell my dearest friend, our noble
Caesar of your disloyalty, your..."
Palpatinus' eyes fill with tears, he catches Brutus' sleeve:
"Friend, I beg you, let me tell you of my reasons...I...friends - I
have proof of what I say! I suspected our most noble Caesar of a
grave sin against the Code of Peace - and I, I cannot tell you how
much it pains me to say this, have found my worst suspicions to be
well-founded in the changes...his conduct, and talk over the past
"Tell us, oh Palpatinus! What is it that you believe he's done?"
Palpatinus still holds Brutus' sleeve, he's crying now:
"T'is so heartbreaking...but I will tell you, my friends, for you
have a right to know. The Code of Peace, that our dearest Caesar
himself has set up and that was accepted unanimously by the Council
of our elders, this Code forbids pride, aggression and...passion."
Darth Brutus blushes a deep pink.
Palpatinus wipes the tears from his eyes before continuing:
"I see, my young friend, how hard this will be on you...but I have
observed, aye, with my own eyes have I seen how close our noblest
Caesar and his former student, the honourable Anthony Kenobi are. I
have cause, very good cause indeed, to fear they have overstepped the
boundaries of reason and...propriety."
The three of them suddenly seem like stone statues, the lights dim
around them and a little girl carries a huge board marked "Musical
Interlude" across the stage:
Amidala stumbles on the stage, her foot having caught in the hem of
her violet silk dress. She smiles sweetly at the audience, then claps
her hands. A tune rises from nowhere, she sways to the music and
begins to sing.
"There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way
Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - yeah I'd die for you
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you" (1)
She bows, still smiling, lifts the hem of her dress and glides
majestically off-stage. Palpatinus watches the exit, his face still
contorted in a grimace of disinterested humility and affection for
his friends. The lights brighten and illuminate them again.
Darth Brutus, still violently blushing:
"I cannot believe that this is true!"
"Oh wise Palpatinus, now that you speak of it, I must, though I wish
I need not, see that you are right! Our most honourable Caesar has
indeed been strangely familiar with the noble Kenobi."
Darth Brutus catches his breath, his eyes glassy, as if something had
taken possession of his mind, then he shakes his head as he says
"I bend to your noble mind and greater wisdom, my honoured friend. I
see the truth of what you've told me in every word, in every touch
that passes between my Caesar and the noble Anthony."
Mace Windus looks sheepishly at Palpatinus, then bows, asking in a
"T'is cannot be all that you suspect him of, my dearest friend.
T'would be a scandal indeed, but no danger to the galaxy."
Palpatinus seems irritated for a moment, then he answers in a mild
"You are so right, noble Windus - t'is not only impropriety and
untamed passion that I know him to be guilty of, but also pride and
frightening bouts of aggression when certain...issues were brought
Windus stares into Palpatinus' eyes, then nods slowly and so does
"We'll follow you in your quest, oh noble Palpatinus."
The two men bow deeply, then leave the room. Palpatinus turns back to
the window. He smiles.
"Go, my friends - but run from me you cannot. For I have the power of
the Dark, your fearful little minds are mine, and so is triumph."
Amidala steps on the stage, smiling benevolently while the scene is
redecorated to show a bustling marketplace. Huge concrete skyscrapers
tower over the small stalls, beggars sit in the dirt and grime.
Amidala walks along the street, till she meets up with a tiny, bent-
over figure led by a small boy. The boy looks up and smiles, his blue
"My love, my Amidala! Were angels women you would be one! Your eyes
are like the sky over a clean planet in spring, your skin is like."
The figure grunts, and then begins to speak haltingly, all the while
waving small green arms and a knobbly stick in front of Amidala's
"Enough, this is! Hold us up, the girl does! See her later, you can!
Meet her when I need you not, you may."
The boy nods, winks at Amidala and leads the figure on. She shrugs,
then goes on, trying hard to jump gaily without falling over the hem
of her long violet silk dress.
At Qui-Gon's palace. Anthony sits in front of an open fireplace in a
dressing gown decorated with elaborate embroidery. He is reading
aloud from a book.
"Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
(He thoughtfully licks his lips.)
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me prov'd,
I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd." (2)
Anthony sighs, pressing the book to his heart. Qui-Gon enters, sees
him and grins.
"You've been reading that poem again, love. Have I not told you that
reality is far more beautiful than any written word?"
Anthony faces him, blushing slightly:
"I'm only learning to live in the moment, as you instructed me. I
relived the experience of last night as I read and enjoyed the
melodious flow of the sweet words."
"You should write poetry yourself, I think. Your taste is exquisite -
one need just look at your having chosen me."
Anthony grins mischievously and rises to snuggle into Qui-Gon's
embrace. They kiss deeply, stumble on the pillows in front of the
fire and - a knock is heard on the front door. Moments later -
Anthony just manages to close his dressing gown and slide a little
away from the other man - a bent-over figure shuffles in, accompanied
by a small boy, who bows in front of them.
Qui-Gon, a little breathless:
"I am deeply honoured, by your visit, oh wise one."
Anthony smiles, bowing his head.
"My Master wishes to speak to you alone, oh great Caesar."
"My dear friend, I have no secrets from Anthony, as you well know in
"Wished for this, you have. Spare the boy the pain, I wanted."
Qui-Gon frowns, Anthony stares wide-eyed at the creature standing
only a metre away from him. Annius has stepped back and hangs his
"Come to warn you, I have. Approaching, the Ides are."
Anthony looks at Qui-Gon, his eyes a giant question mark. Qui-Gon
shrugs his shoulders.
Gaius Yoda sighs:
"The Ides of March, I mean. Roman history, never learnt you have.
Middle of March, the Ides are. Bringing your destiny, they are. Die,
you will. Attend the Council Meeting tomorrow, you must not."
Anthony pales, Qui-Gon takes hold of his hand. Gaius Yoda raises his
hand, grumbling, and Annius runs to his side. They walk out of the
"You heard him. I won't have you go to the Council tomorrow."
"It's of the utmost importance. Palpatinus has come up with
accusations I must answer to - my honour demands it."
"It's about us, isn't it? Why can't you just tell them we're
together. They never complained when Darth Brutus lived with that
"That was because he wasn't in a position of power, as I am.
Palpatinus seeks to overthrow my rule and he will stop at nothing."
"He'd even murder you! I won't let you go to the Council session
"I will go, if I have to use the Force to quiet you, I'd do it! This
session is too important for the future of the galaxy. I must face my
foes. I cannot let them win - not once. I am the Caesar!"
"If you insist on going, I'll be at your side."
"No! Love, this is what they're all waiting for! You must keep away.
I'll take care! I'm the best fighter in the galaxy."
"You should beware of your pride!"
Qui-Gon grins, pulling Anthony towards him, kissing him. While they
make out, Amidala appears on the stage. She sees them, claps her
hands and the curtain falls.
At the grand place in front of the Jedi Temple, that was built in the
style of a Naboo Palace. A broad expanse of steps leads up to the
massive oak doors that are still closed as it's still early morning.
Due to the incredible accusations, a curious crowd has already
gathered, and no one sees the three dark figures that glide towards
the columns at the top of the steps.
Gaius Yoda stumbles about with flailing arms behind the people. He
croaks something unintelligible; in a dark corner a few metres away,
Annius sits on Amidala's lap. She's rocking him gently, and they are
grinning merrily over some joke.
Suddenly the crowds part to let the tall, imposing figure of the
Caesar through as he strides solitary towards the building. A hooded,
cloaked shadow follows farther behind, mingling with the people and
drowning in their numbers.
Qui-Gon reaches the steps, turns round, smiling and waves to the
crowds. He walks up the steps slowly, when the three hooded figures
break from their hiding place behind the columns, flashing miniature
lightsabres whose blades glow a dull red.
"Death to the traitor!"
He stabs Qui-Gon in the side, the other man turns, drawing his
dagger - a greenish laser blade clashes with an attacker's arm, the
other assassin drives his weapon in deep near Qui-Gon's heart. The
crowds hush, and a hoarse "No!" rising from among them.
The three hooded men continue to stab Qui-Gon till he falls at their
feet, soaked in his own blood. He rasps, blood trickling from his
mouth. One of the assassins kneels down beside him and pushes back
"Et tu, Darth."
The young man raises his hand, the bloodied red blade flashing once,
then stabs Qui-Gon right in the heart.
This time, the "No!" is clearly audible in the quiet that has fallen
across the place. Anthony Kenobi breaks free of the crowds and races
up the steps, pushing Darth Brutus away roughly and throwing himself
over his lover's lifeless body.
Palpatinus raises his arms, his voice booming out over the crowds,
"Friends, hear me! You may think us traitors, but we are none! It was
with aching hearts that we decided on this step! It was to save you
from the man our once so noble friend, the greatest Caesar, had
become. For he honoured neither the Code of Peace (gasps from the
masses) nor the principles of life we fought the Critics for those
many years ago."
"Indeed, my friends he has committed dreadful crimes and though we
grieve that we did have to end his life, t'was a right and just deed
to be done!"
"You know, my friends, how dear the great Caesar was to me, but no
one could have known better, how wrong his life had recently turned
out and how dangerous his power was to all of you. It pains me hard
to tell you so, but death came to a traitor, who meant to destroy the
peace of all the galaxy!"
The crowds suddenly begin to cheer the three men, hailing them as
their saviours, as the truest men and greatest heroes of the galaxy.
Anthony Kenobi, his voice broken and tears shimmering in his grey-
blue eyes intones, barely above a whisper:
"Palpatinus! Mace Windus and Darth Brutus! I ask you as the
honourable men you are to let me speak in honour of the man...Caesar
Palpatinus looks at him warily, but Darth Brutus nods his head
"Indeed, you have our leave to speak to the crowds. They saw that
what we did was right, and so have you, I am sure, so let us now
honour the Qui-Gon that we knew!"
Mace Windus nods his head slowly, moving back into the shadows. Darth
Brutus follows him, dragging along Palpatinus, whose discomfort is
Anthony Kenobi, his eyes still bright with tears, and barely
controlled rage, steps forward, lifting his arms and calling out to
"People of Coruscant! Hear me speak!"
People don't heed him, but he calls again, this time louder, letting
his feelings colour his words:
"Honour a grieved man's wish to speak a few words about his dearest
friend! You all knew Qui-Gon as a good and noble man, yet now you
curse him from the bottom of your heart - alas, I fear you wrong the
good he's done in seeing only that which last you heard of him. Let
me but tell you what I felt for him! He was my truest friend, my
longest and most trusted mate. Qui-Gon has never done me wrong in all
the years I knew him, but I am sure the cause that led to this, his
death, was well worth such a punishment."
Anthony stops, brushing the remnants of his tears away, with a
visible effort to control himself. Gaius Yoda has climbed on top of a
barrel and watches him attentively, his head nodding slightly in
"You all must know a reason for the hate you feel for him, but all I
feel is love. I cannot be so blinded as to think you never heard the
rumours - they are true! We shared our hearts as we did share our
lives and never have I known a deeper, stronger, purer love than his.
Qui-Gon was all my universe, my sunlight, moon and stars, he warmed
my nights and brightened up my days! I cannot make you feel the way I
do, nor can I ever make you understand the pain that threatens now to
pull me down. I am but a lonely man, mourning for his lover."
People begin to whisper to each other, Gaius Yoda taps his knobbly
stick on the barrel and shouts:
"Know how you feel, I do! Honourable and sincere, such love is!
Honourable and sincere!"
Anthony Kenobi (bowing):
"I thank you, wise one for your understanding. It is a balm to my
deep wound that bleeds as if the fearsome blades that ended Qui-Gon's
life were tearing at my flesh with every word I say."
The mumbling of the crowds grows louder, here and there a feww words
drift over the steady noise:
"Traitors!" "He's right!" "...killed him!"
"Good people, hear me out! I know that you will never feel the way I
do, but I do pray you to remember our dear Qui-Gon as being all a man
should be - a warm, loving and honourable soul, forever seeking to
give help to everyone in need! I know that you were told he wronged
the Code of Peace, I do not know of this! But who am I to say such
things? I spent my life with him, I knew his heart, but how could I
have known his faults and failings?"
"You must have known them, better than another! Tell us, did he wrong
"Dear friend! The Qui-Gon that I knew was reasonably proud of all he
had achieved, yet he did never think himself to high to learn from
his mistakes. He cherished nothing more than life and love and all
his waking hours did he spend in working for an everlasting peace!
The power that you gave him, never has he craved it less than when he
felt that he could not prevent your suffering! I cannot name him
other than a Caesar, the greatest man this galaxy has known!"
Gaius Yoda waves his stick above his head, crying out at the top of
"Annius! Here, you come! Avenge Qui-Gon, we must! Bring peace to the
galaxy, you shall! Annius!"
The crowd takes up Yoda's words and follows him as he shuffles, led
by Annius, towards the houses of the three murderers. Anthony stays
back, he slumps down beside Qui-Gon's lifeless form and takes his
lover's green blade. He cuts his hand and lays it on the bloody stain
above the other man's heart.
"I swear I'll have their lives for yours, my love. They will no
longer stand between the galaxy and long-sought peace. For every
wound they will have three and I will make them pay for their false
friendship with their blood."
Anthony puts the blade into his tunic, wrapping Qui-Gon's stained and
torn cloak around him and lifting him with the help of the Force to
take him home. The place is deserted and his footsteps echo along the
vast expanse in front of the Jedi Temple.
In Palpatinus' house. The servant brings in a huge trunk and two
suitcases, which he puts beside Palpatinus, who stands frowning at
"Is my spaceship ready to depart, you scum?"
"Yes, my Master. Your friends have arrived."
The servant scurries away, when Palpatinus turns round and looks at
him. His eyes are deadly. Darth Brutus and Mace Windus come in. They
each carry a trunk on their backs. They look tired, as if they had
run a long way.
"They call us traitors, friend and they have sworn to kill us all!"
"We murdered him, did we not?"
"If you had not let this foolish boy speak poison words to serpent
hearts we would have had no problems at all. We could have ruled the
galaxy, you idiot!"
"So we killed an innocent!"
"Wrong! We stabbed him, but you had the last cut, you plunged your
blade into his heart!"
"Can you hear them, they are coming to the house. Make haste! We must
"I cannot live with this dishonour, with his death. He was my friend!"
"Jump out of the window and forget to Force levitate for all I care.
Windus, come with me. Brutus, the ship's leaving in five minutes."
Palpatinus and Windus leave with their luggage, Brutus stays, looking
out of the window. He dimly hears the sound of the spaceship leaving,
but he seems to have lost all interest. He just stares ahead, as if
he were not really there. - A hoarse cry, Anthony races in the room,
Qui-Gon's green blade in his fist.
"MURDERER! Prepare to face your death!"
Darth Brutus turns around, no emotion on his features:
"I will fight you, noble Anthony. But know that I do wish I had
"Say no more, for you must die!"
Anthony lunges himself at Brutus, who steps back, leaning against the
windowsill. He does not fight the other man as he pulls the red
blade, still smeared with Qui-Gon's blood from Brutus' cloak.
Anthony Kenobi whispers:
"This is for you, love."
He runs Brutus through with the same blade that killed Qui-Gon,
watching as the body slumps at his feet. His voice is cold when Gaius
Yoda taps him on the shoulder with his stick.
"He had to die."
"Give in to hate, you must not. Taught you well, Qui-Gon has. Do him
credit, you do not!"
"I will...meditate. Tomorrow I shall be calm. Is the shuttle ready?"
"Ready, it is. Go with you, Annius will. Struck with the narrator,
the boy is. Say she is divine he does. Fool himself, he does. Be a
Sith, he will be. No future, they have."
Anthony looks at Yoda questioningly. The ancient seer shrugs his
"Understand this, you need not. Always in motion, the future is."
On Yavin 4, a jungle moon. Palpatinus and Mace Windus have made camp
in the ruins of an ancient temple. They sleep while their servants
stand guard. Suddenly, the roar of engines can be heard.
"They have arrived, friend. Anthony is on the hunt. We must fight
"I do not wish to fight! I cannot fight! I was never taught how to."
Palpatinus grunts, throwing a gleaming silver handle to him:
"The newest development of weapons' technology - lightsabres. They
are longer than our dagger-blades, and therefore we need not come as
close to our foe."
"We could have used them to finish Qui-Gon! I didn't like to have his
blood all over my cloak, it was brand new!"
"Shut up, you idiot, you are a disgrace to the Jedi!"
"The Jedi - and there I thought I was a Sith! Why did you not tell me
Palpatinus looks at him, his eyes dancing with ire, but he controls
himself and shrugs his shoulders.
"Get to your positions, men! We'll fight them to the death! For the
glory of me, Palpatinus, the Galactic Emperor!"
Outside the temple - the shuttle with Anthony and Annius aboard has
landed, their men have already taken cover, now the two of them strut
down the ramp. Annius hands Anthony his lightsabre and takes out his
"I thought Yoda hadn't allowed you a lightsabre."
"He doesn't know. Amidala gave it to me, she said I should show Yoda
what a hero I am. So that's why I'm going to blow up that temple with
all the bad guys in it!"
"I have a bad feeling about this, Annius! You should stay near the
shuttle, where it's safe."
"That somehow sounds familiar...but this time I won't listen! I'm a
hero fighting for the glory of my angel Amidala and I must succeed."
Anthony shrugs his shoulders and motions for his men to attack. They
start screaming and rush towards the temple.
Anthony, Annius and their men have invaded the temple. Annius slips
away, positioning an explosive at the central pillar. No one notices
him, so he takes out some coal and begins to draw Amidala's picture
on the floor.
Mace Windus fights grimly with his red lightsabre, and manages to
break free of his attackers. Then he catches sight of Anthony, whose
blood-curdling screams and rapid slashes show unbearable grief, even
though no aggression can be felt.
"Like a lion in a cage...and all I feel is pain, no guilt, no anger!
He's pure, as was his friend. We killed an innocent!"
Realization dawns as he catches a glimpse of Palpatinus, who emanates
the sheer luxury of power and hate. He sighs, placing the lightsabre
handle at his hard and igniting the blade. He falls to his knees, his
blood flowing on the floor, marring the smooth surface of the dark
"Blast, this red flow's washed away Amidala's hair! Sith be damned,
now I have to start all over again!"
Anthony makes his way to where Palpatinus is almost getting past
Anthony's men. He lets out a feral growl and catches the elder man's
"You have with slanderous tongue and serpent deed betrayed the trust
of one good and noble man. For this and for his painful death you
shall be punished thousand-fold."
"Stop this pathos, Anthony! You are no more than a mere boy, your
life is in my hands! I am your destiny!"
"Let's see old man, for I know I am the carrier of your sentence -
Palpatinus and Anthony start fighting. Their blades clash in
brilliant sparks, the red and blue glow illuminates the old building,
creating gloomy shadows on the wall. The other men stop fighting and
"How now - they fight! Great, means I'd better get out. Goodbye, my
love, know we shall meet again."
Annius jumps to his feet, blowing a kiss to the half-finished picture
of Amidala and runs towards the huge doorway. Passing the two
fighting men, he used the tip of his lightsabre blade to cut into
"You devil of a child, I curse you by the Sith! You shall be one of
us ere your days are done!"
Just in that moment, Anthony slashes downward, cutting Palpatinus'
head off his shoulders. He raises his lightsabre in salute to his
lover, then powers it down.
"My deed is done, my love, for now I shall wage war no more. In
keeping with your cherished way of life I will spend all my future
days in working for the government."
The curtain falls and Amidala, the narrator appears. She no longer
wears the long, flowing violet silk dress, but jeans and a blue
"Behold you now, the end of this our play,
Let our counsel guide you through the day,
For those whose faith does never sway
Will find the best will come their way."
She bows, skipping lightly off the stage. Applause and cheers are
(1) "(Everything I do) I do it for you" copyrighted by Badman ltd.
1999 and sung by Bryan Adams (on the album "The Best of Me", Badman
(2) "Sonnet 116" by William Shakespeare to be found in "W. S. - The
Sonnets", Reclam, Stuttgart 1994
No copyright infringement is intended by their use.