Title: The Destiny of Love|
Fandom: SW TPM (Slash)
Summary: Obi-Wan discusses his feelings for Qui-Gon with an old friend.
Spoilers: JA I, Episode I
Disclaimer: the characters in this story belong to George Lucas and Jude Watson. I'm just playing with them. No copyright infringement is intended.
Archive: MA; Haven-of-Fic please; my website (http://www.user.xpoint.at/e.lebic/default.htm)
Notes: A special and hearty thank you to Sylvia for betaing this...any remaining faults are mine ;-)
THE DESTINY OF LOVE
It couldn't go on like that. He needed to do something, to act and to find his peace again. Though his concentration hadn't yet wavered on a mission, his feelings made it seem extremely likely that he might forget his primary goal for one second too long. A mistake that could cost both him and the mission dear.
But he saw no way out. None that appealed to him at least. Yoda had informed them of a request Chancellor Valorum had made - they were to see what they could do about the Trade Federation's occupation of Naboo. Not something he thought of with particular enthusiasm. It sounded too much like diplomatic work - long hours, even longer talks, bickering and barely concealed hostility, sitting beside his Master all the while, concentrating on every word that was said, on the exact tone and what the nuances in the voice might entail.
He had seen all that - more often than he cared to remember at times. What he disliked most about this kind of mission was that he wouldn't get a lot of exercise and have no way to release pent-up emotions into the Force. It was hard enough to control deep, intense feelings at any time and even harder to keep them well away from his Master.
Qui-Gon Jinn was a born diplomat - extraordinarily perceptive, quick to notice any change, no matter how subtle in a face, a look or a gesture - and that was with people he'd never met before. How could his own Padawan whom he had known for aalmost thirteen years conceal anything?
Obi-Wan sighed and shifted slightly in his meditative position. He was supposed to find peace and serenity while sitting like this, cross-legged in the gardens of the Temple at Coruscant, but unfortunately this problem was too intricate in all its details to just be resolved by pondering over it.
What he needed now was advice. But who was he to ask? Another Master? Most certainly not. He couldn't simply lay open his innermost feelings and most delicate hopes to anyone...Bant!
He knew she had returned from a mission only recently - why not seek guidance from his oldest friend? He rose slowly, carelessly brushing some leaves and stray bits of grass off his tunic, straightened his robe a little and made his way, in a dignified and rhythmic step towards the Padawan quarters.
Unlike most other Padawans he didn't live on his own anymore. It just wasn't necessary as he and his Master spent most of their time away from Coruscant at any rate. So, when they did come back, they simply shared Qui-Gon's quarters. They were not large as such, but after accommodation that ranged from cramped to huge, from chilly to stiflingly hot, from cosy to most extraordinarily uncomfortable, they had no problems coping.
Both had their privacy if they chose, their sleeping units being separated by a small sitting room - which served as the entrance hall as well and sported the comforts of a tiny cooking unit and bathroom.
He wouldn't have complained had not the closeness of his Master at all times, the scent of him that lingered in the air no matter whether he was in or not, been a trial to all his nerves, an interminable lesson in patience and the controlling of emotions.
He had now reached Bant's quarters and knocked, almost timidly. That was it - if she was out, then he would simply adjourn this talk until...
"Obi-Wan! It's great to see you, come in!"
Wafts of humidity and salt air assailed him as his friend stepped back to let him enter. The young Calamarian woman had painted her walls in green and blue, putting up water plants and soft cushions filled with sand, that gave one the impression of sitting on a slowly rolling wave.
"I always feel as if I were standing in the midst of an ocean when I'm in here and somehow it always makes me glad to know I can swim."
Bant smiled, delighted with the greatest compliment anyone could make about her accommodation.
"So what brings you here, Obi?"
"I...need to talk about something."
"Don't tell me you got into trouble again! What was it last time - this thing with staying out all night on that jungle moon - training, as you said and the Queen's daughter with you - you almost provoked a dreadful scandal."
"She followed me!"
"You didn't mind being seduced, did you?"
"She wasn't who I wanted, but she wanted me."
"You're in love? Good. I thought I'd never see you mad about someone."
"It's not a Padawan."
"A Master? So what? I'm sure there'll be no problem."
"Not just any Master, Bant."
He nodded. It couldn't be said that it had been all that hard to acknowledge it. And Bant had made it fairly easy too.
"Since when are you..."
"About a year ago. I mean, I liked and admired him before, you know how I felt about him, he was my closest friend in a way and - Sith, if I had only realised what was going on - I almost split on myself one night. I had a dream - my Master was - fighting and - Sith be damned, you don't know how real it seemed!"
"I couldn't reach him, some red shadow was before me and I couldn't pass through it, it held me back and I knew I had to help him, and couldn't. I don't even know what he was fighting against. It was dark, a humanoid shape somehow, though I saw neither its face nor its skin. It was strong, full of hatred and it hated Qui-Gon. I wasn't there, I failed to stand by his side and he..."
"Killed. He fell and I screamed - then I woke up, my Master shaking me, pulling me close, attempting to soothe me - and I couldn't tell him, I - I sobbed like a little child, Bant!"
"I'm sure he understood. He must have seen your thoughts were in turmoil."
"I'm a grown man. And this - slip - in my behaviour wasn't the worst. My shields were down for - a little too long."
"What do you mean?"
"I was close to - I realised with a start how much Qui-Gon really means to me and then - I was so lost - it almost went along the bond. I caught myself, my feelings and my dignity just in time."
"What's so bad about being in love with your Master? You're not a teenager anymore, no one will assume it's just a passing fancy, you'll be taken seriously and your choice respected."
"But not accepted - or do you really think the Council will let us be together?"
"Why not - if you both want it there's no reason why you shouldn't. I have no reason to doubt you're sure about what you want, so why should anyone else?"
"He's my Master - the Council would - he might want to pass me on to another."
"You think he'll reject you? Why?"
"Why ever shouldn't he? I'm - well, look at me! I'm a man who starts crying his heart out over a nightmare and needs his Master to take care of him. He can't possibly respect me enough."
"You're a model student. That's what my Master always hears about you - your fighting skills are amazing and you progress extremely well - it won't be long before you're made a knight now."
"I should wait until then. When there's no chance of my losing him. I'll have to part from him anyway, and a declaration can only bring us closer together, not divide us any further."
"There's no reason why you can't tell him now - even in this conversation you've called him Qui-Gon a couple of times. I'm sure you'd never dare to say it in his face, even though you want to."
"You know all about my feelings, there's no need to pretend."
"But why is it so important to talk to me now, of all times? There must be a reason. If you'd really be content with waiting a little longer you wouldn't be in all this trouble - am I right?"
"I had that dream again."
"Did you tell..."
"No. I bit my lip, I didn't scream, I just bore it. I had gone through it already, I knew I couldn't give myself the semblance of a complete idiot who can't take...bad dreams."
"It's more than that, isn't it?"
"I think it was a vision."
"And you'll be going on a new mission soon, I presume."
"Tomorrow. I've never been so anxious before, not about any other conflict, not about my Master's life."
"Does that mean you believe you've foreseen his death?"
Obi-Wan winced. It was like a blow, one that hurt him in every fibre of his being. That one word could have that hard an impact was by no means a good sign. He nodded. It took him more than mere effort to move his head in acknowledgement - it meant giving away all hope of this...dream having been just that - a bad dream.
"That's it? Bant, this is precisely what I can't do, that's why I came to ask you for advice."
"And I advise you to tell him. He'll accept it. If he really dies on this mission, if your vision comes true - don't you think it would be a great deal better if he knew you loved him?"
"You mean this - I haven't got any regrets, for I left nothing unsaid -nonsense?"
"Exactly. And if it turns out that your foreboding was simply a nightmare -well, you know Master Yoda says the future is always in motion - you might end up in a relationship with the man you love. Wouldn't that be worth the risk?"
Obi-Wan nodded slowly. Surely his Master's love would be worth the risk of losing him - and if it really were his destiny to lose the man he would gladly lay down his life for - then he should at least tell him how he felt, shouldn't he?
"Give yourself a chance. It can't complicate your life anymore than it already has - it might mean you can stop mooning over your Master in exchange for a better employment."
She was grinning openly at him, her silver eyes sparkling with mirth as she teased him. Obi-Wan knew she'd made up her mind about his having to tell his Master and wouldn't back down now. He sighed and shook his head, standing up.
"I'll see what I can do to make your...imagination come true."
"Will I get a complete report later on, or will you keep all the juicy details to yourself?"
"If there's anything to tell, you'll be the one to hear it first...you nosy..."
She hugged him tightly, before he could finish his sentence, then shoved him out of the door.
"May the Force guide you - and don't you dare leave for this mission without having...settled this little problem of yours."
She was smiling, but her voice was stern - if he hadn't known better he'd have said she was worried about him, concerned for the future, that he still couldn't bring himself to accept. Why should his Master have to die? It wasn't fair - but then, what was really fair in the galaxy? Nothing, if he was honest with himself. There was suffering and pain wherever one looked and if he would only have a few days with the man he loved it might be enough to last him for the rest of his life.
"There is no emotion, there is peace. There is no passion, there is serenity."
The words didn't do much to soothe him, but they were all he could come up with in his present state of mind. The possibilities the next few minutes or hours could have in store for him were uppermost in his thoughts.
"There is no death, there is the Force."
He had to say it, as if following an instinct stronger than himself. It seemed as if something urged him to prepare himself for an almost inevitable event that would shatter his life. There would be no one to pick up the pieces but him. He would have to deal with it - on his own. The realisation of such feats before him made him feel sick, faint almost.
He stopped briefly in front of the quarters he shared with his Master, reaching along the training bond, gingerly touching the Force signature on the other side of the door. There was no postponing this talk - Qui-Gon Jinn was at home and he was sitting right across from the entrance. He couldn't possibly avoid him. One deep breath later he stood in front of the elder man, meeting the blue gaze with his own and returning the delighted smile that greeted him.
"Padawan! I hadn't expected you back so soon - I thought you had planned an evening with your friends - well, you know I just received the final briefing for our mission, would you care to hear it?"
"There is something I need to discuss with you, Master - if you don't mind."
"Not at all. Is your nightmare bothering you again?"
"You haven't slept well lately. You had this dreadful nightmare about a year ago and I remember you haven't rested properly ever since then."
"I didn't know you...knew about this."
"You didn't seem to want to talk about it. I waited for you to come to me."
"I talked about it with Bant."
"So there's something else?"
"I'm listening. Why don't you sit down, Obi-Wan?"
A wordless nod, then the young man sat down as far away from his Master as he could. It was going to be hard enough as it was, the physical closeness excepted.
"I don't quite know how to begin."
"Begin wherever you like. If I find myself completely at a loss, I'll ask."
"I have realised that I - love you."
A silence followed, both men staring into each other's eyes, one searching for the truth of the declaration, the other for a reaction to what he had just said. Blue and greyish blue eyes met in a silent clash, then mingled into a common shade as realisation dawned on them.
Qui-Gon held out his hand and Obi-Wan was in his arms in a heartbeat. As their lips met, the young man sent a silent "thank you" to his friend and Bant paused in the writing of her report, smiling, as tears filled her eyes.
"Relish every moment you have together, there won't be many of them."
For it seemed that Obi-Wan hadn't been the only one who had foreseen a dark shadow in his future - so had Bant.
I've been there
Touch him With the gentleness you feel inside
I love him
Love is light that surely glows
Never let him go
The song "Tell Him" is copyrighted by Warner and Sony 1997 and sung by Celine Dion and Barbra Streisand (on the album "Let's talk about love", Sony 1997); No copyright infringement is intended.