Title: Gonna Run
Author: Diebin
Email: diebin@hotmail.com
Fandom: X-Men (movie)
Rating: PG-13
Series: Compass Points #12  http://www.geocities.com/mistressdiebin/compasspoints/
Category: Rogue POV
Setting: 2 years post movie
Pairing: Logan/Rogue
Archive: Yep

I think the first thing I did was scream.

I couldn't help it. He looked like he was dying--like he was already dead. I screamed so loudly that I could feel my throat tearing, but I kept on screaming.

And I got away from him as fast as I could. Made sure there wasn't any skin touching--made sure I wasn't hurting him.

But he didn't move. He just sat there . . . and if he hadn't been breathing I don't know what I would have done. Made sure I wasn't breathing too, probably.

Bobby got there first. He took one look at me, in Logan's room wearing Logan's shirt . . . and I don't think I've ever seen anyone look more hurt. But he ran, without even thinking. Ran and got help. Got Jean, and Scott . .. and even Storm and the Professor.

I was still screaming. I couldn't stop. God, it wasn't just terror--though it was that. I was angry. I was furious. How dare whatever excuse for a God there was give me what I wanted and then take it from me like this . . .

I wanted to kill something. I wanted to stalk around the room and lay hand to every person in it, just to see someone else suffer like I was.

They took him away, and wouldn't let me follow. Storm wrapped her arms around me and held me so tightly that I thought I'd suffocate--but she wasn't going to let me get away. She just kept rocking me and saying that he'd be alright, he'd be alright, he'd be alright . . .

He'd be alright.

The Professor came back a little while later. I was mostly calmed down, but Storm was upset because I refused to change out of his shirt. I'd nearly clawed her when she tried to get it off of me--no one was going to take away the little I had left of him.

They tried to explain it calmly. They tried to make me understand.

Remember Senator Kelly, they said. Remember how his body couldn't handle a mutation that wasn't his own.

I didn't care.

Remember how Logan took part of your mutation into him, they said. Remember how his body absorbed it.

I didn't want to hear.

"His body is rejecting it, Rogue." His voice is so kind. I want to hit him for it. "We have to break the connection between the two of you. If we don't. . . it will kill him."

I think Storm is crying. Why the hell does she think she gets to do that? They're breaking my heart, not hers. I want to grab her with my hands--my bare hands. I want to suck her into my head so she can feel what it is to die on the inside.

"Is he awake?" My voice is deadly. I think they're afraid of me now.

"He has refused to let us break the connection between you." The Professor's voice is disapproving. "Rogue--you must make him understand. It will kill him in a matter of days, maybe even hours. And he will not let us do anything to hurt you."

"Doesn't bother you much, does it?" I want to hurt him too. Crippled old man, daring to think that his body has betrayed him. Am I supposed to pity him because he can't walk?

I can't even live.

"Of course it does, Rogue." The Professor is giving me that no nonsense look of his. "This is hurting us all--but you have to decide what is more important to you. Your bond, or his life."

He had to do this to me. He had to make it my fault.

And now I'm crying, and I crawl across the floor and rest my hands on the arms of his wheelchair. "Save him." They had to know what I'd choose--they had to know I'd let him live. I'd make him live. I'll kill him if he tries to die on me.

His hands are strong. Probably because the rest of him is so frail. It hurts, how hard he's gripping my head. "Now, Jean," he murmurs, and I know Jean must be with Logan, because she's not in the room . . .

And it hurts. God it hurts, like nothing has ever hurt before. Having my life force sucked out was nothing compared to this. This is my soul being shattered in two. I'm screaming and trying to break away, and I can feel Storm behind me, trying to hold me still as the Professor's hands get tighter and tighter . . .

I think I can hear him scream with me when it finally snaps. I want to run to him, to apologize to him . . . to say something. But all I can do is whimper as the Professor lets go of me, and fall to the ground and cry. Storm tries to pick me up, but I kick her, and I can't help the flash of pleasure I feel when she grunts in pain. I just want them to all go away.

They don't, but they do retreat. They watch me in silence as I crawl towards his bed and climb into it, wrapping the sheets that smell of him and me and love and passion around me. Curling up in the memories of his skin on mine and his lips on me and his body above me and over me and touching me.

Crying, because I know what's going to happen now, because I know him.

He's gonna run again.