Title: Honestly, OK
Author: Meghan
Email: Sugar14672@aol.com
Fandom: X-men (movie)
Rating: PG
Summary: Rogue thinks about the man she once loved.
Song: "Honestly Ok" by Dido
Category: Rogue's POV; Rogue/Logan-leading to romance here!
Disclaimer: I don't own em.
Comments: If I decide to do a sequel to this story I'll be using Nix's possibility number 3. I'll tell you more l8ter on..lol
Feedback: Please please please! I'm begging! No feedback..no more story :( k?

I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again




Three words that summed up what she was these days. Chilling adjectives that placed a label of hopelessness upon her.

Rogue propped her head against the cool glass window, reveling in the cold relief it provided. Her eyes were transfixed on the clear streams of water that followed the same pattern. The fast and beating water would collect at the bottom of her window pane and fall to the ground below.

The Xavier institute's usual discreet and privatized appearance was only heightened by the dark, bottomless clouds that pelted rain down upon the building.

Reluctantly she pressed her fingertips to the icy glass and a cold shiver shot throughout her body. Within moments she felt her skin become numb and frosty. Just how she liked it. Numb. These days it was easier when she couldn't feel anything. Sadness seeped into her features as recollection dawned on her. Hell, this cold window was just about the only thing she could touch without causing destruction....without causing death. Everyday it tore her apart, knowing that her poisonous skin had caused so much pain. The only man who had ever touched her....purpously, even after he knew what she was....was...well, he was long gone. It had been 6 years since he had said good-bye to her. Logan. The first two years he was gone she would stay awake. Every night her ears would listen for any disturbance in the night...any sign that he was back. Her spirits came crashing down each night that he remained far from her and eventually the pain had become too thick.

I just want to feel deep in my own world
But I'm so lonely
I don't even want to be with myself anymore

It wasn't much better when the nightmares started. Horrible dreams of experimentation and torture would flash through her mind. And it only took a small while before she realized the memories weren't hers...they were Logan's..her Logan. They were mind-numbing and pierced her soul every time they invaded her slumber...but they were a part of Logan...and they helped her understand him...all of him.

It shocked her..how after all of this time she could still feel him, sense him, smell him. Time and time again Rogue chastised herself for holding on so dearly to someone who clearly was gone. But his horrid memories andv thoughts were the only comfort she had. They were her only true friends.

A glimmer of hope surfaced every now and again. It was as if late at night, when she was laying in her bed, utterly silent and lonely she felt Logan enter her mind. He was still connected to her too and she could tell sometimes he would block her out...but when he thought she was sleeping..would probe her mind farther for any solace and companionship.

During the late hours Rogue awoke in a cold sweat and would reach out....reach out for him. How badly she needed him...wanted him to be here..with her. To hold her and tell her he would take care of her. Now and again anger set in and she would throw something against her bedroom wall, smashing it to hundreds of pieces.

On a different day
If I was safe in my own skin
Then I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened

Why? Well that one was easy. Logan had left her...run from her..after everything they had been through..even after his solemn promise to take care of her...he had left. 6 years and not even a phone call...not even a letter. It was her right to be pissed...but holding on like this only cut deeper and made waking up without him near her that much more unbearable. Usually her fit ended up with her on the bedroom floor, her chin resting on her knee's, and sobs wracking her small body.

Jean understood. Even if they rarely ever spoke, sometimes Jean would cast her a sad glance and Rogue felt as if she was the only one who understood the small gesture. Often the Professor would try to break down the walls in her psyche, she had set up and find out what made her so sad, and anguished. After a while of failed mind-readings he had given up...but Rogue knew that he sensed her infatuation with Logan...even if it was -much- more than infatuation.

All she had anymore were distant memories. Small things that brought a flood of past actions.

The night after Logan had rode away she had precariously slipped into his now vacant room and roamed the perimeter, as to find any momentos of his...something to make sure she would not forget him.

To tell you the truth, Logan hadn't left much....hell..he hadn't even owned that much. Among her findings though...Rogue had found an old shirt of his..and a half smoked cigar.

Just to remember him somedays, she would pull the shirt out of her ebony chested drawer and smile as his scent filled her room. An addictive mix of cigar smoke and after-shave. The smell that eased her pain and made her fears go away.v

But this is today
And I'm lost in my own skin
And I'm so lonely
I don't even want to be with myself anymore

Closing her eyes, Rogue could already feel the warm tears running down her face. She made no movement though...did not wipe the tears away. The salty tears were the only warmth she had felt in a long while....the only thing that reminded her that she still had -some- human in her. If it wasn't for small things...like crying...Rogue would have declared herself dead long ago.

The dark night surrounded her and was oddly comforting. Truly, right now all she feared was the day to come..another morning where the sun would daunt her...informing her yet again that Logan was never coming back...that she was alone in a world that did not want her. She was feared...it didn't make sense to her...but who would blame anyone...she was a curse. No one could possibly love her.

Even Logan thought of her as a little sister...and her search for happiness was hopeless.

Letting another tear slip onto her cheek Rogue abided as pain and longing enveloped her.

I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again